The Art of Seduction

One of the reference books to "The Game" (Sept 20th) had been "The Art of Seduction" by Robert Greene - required reading for the Player newbies. Given its source I didn't count on the tome being anything more than a replication of the Player's Rules however it turned out to be much, much more.

The book notes that we all have the power to attract others to us but few of us are aware of our potential. It addresses seduction in a variety of forms - between a man and a woman, between a politician and the voters, between an artist and their public, etc. It theorizes nine categories of seducers, eighteen types of victims and twenty-four steps along the path of seduction.

Examples are described in both real life and in literature: Andy Warhol, Helen of Troy, Cleopatra, Marilyn Monroe, President Kennedy, Valentino, James Dean, Charlie Chaplin. While some stories involved sexual liaisons many more described long-term interpersonal relationships that were buoyed by mystique and intrigue.

Reading the book helped give me some perspective to what attracts people to one another - a core question I've been dealing with. Essentially why do I sometimes meet women who are intensely attracted to me, but to whom I'm not attracted (and vice versa)? Also, what makes two people click? Like anyone would, I found elements of myself described in the "seducer profiles" - not because I plotted to have these characteristics, they're just part of my personality in relationships.

The book gave me a different view of human relationships. I feel like maybe my views of how to act with friends and how to act with lovers were pretty tightly circumscribed. It's like I'm recognizing the "social rules" which formed in my head as a child, a youngster, a young adult and I'm beginning to recognize which rules no longer serve me.

And more songs...

And more songs just from this evening, all from a ride out to the Cheesecake factory to meet Julia:

Jim Croce - Time in a Bottle
Billy Joel - River of Dreams
Aladdin and Jasmine - A Whole New World
Anastacia - You'll never be alone

The world is changing
and time is spinning fast
it's so amazing how you came into my life
I know it seems all hope is gone
I know you feel you can't be strong
and once again the story ends with you and I

And anytime you feel like you just can't go on
just hold on to my love
and you'll never be alone

Multitude of Options

I really, really like this fortune so I'll repeat it here: "Open your horizons and see all the options you have. Then you will truly be fortunate."

In the Dozen Dates I wasn't overly selective about whom I would meet. Of course, that was the whole point - it was about taking the pressure off learning about the dating process. Now that I'm giving more thought to what I'm looking for, I truly am starting to recognize the multitude of options for recreating my life.

The daily dose of songs

Well, on the way to meet Julia for cheesecake at 7pm, and then on the way home, I heard several songs which had me thinking (Time in a Bottle, River of Dreams), the last one I just caught a little of but it was the best.

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
So when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone
Never alone
Never alone

I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

Who's got The List?

In the last two days I've been getting things done on the very, very, very old "honey-do" list. Washed both cars inside and out, washed all the first floor windows, washed the recycle bin, washed the trash can. Fixed a burner on the range top that hasn't worked in three years. Fixed the window blinds which Robin started as a project three years ago - three of them never fit properly. Suddenly I'm Mr. Fix-it. It's not like I've gotten no maintenance done over the summer - just it's been more focused on things that had to get done.

When I was washing the windows I had looked at the recycle bin. We'd always kept it in the kitchen before, but the last two and a half years it just got really disgusting - a sticky residue had built up on the bottom - so it's remained outside for quite some time. As I was cleaning it I noticed the city trash can was looking kind of gross, and you know it didn’t smell very good either (I mean really, really didn’t smell good) so I started cleaning that also. Halfway through the trash can I start laughing. It's not that these things have suddenly become grosser than they used to be, apparently it's that someone used to do this job and when she left she didn't provide a list of all the things she had been doing around the house. :)

I'm actually been having fun getting chores done. I even gave myself (literally) a round of applause for getting the blinds done. I'm sure Robin's rolling her eyes and laughing at my self congratulation - after all, anyone could have done this. But for me it's been a long journey to this step. The blinds on two small windows were two inches too short. Last winter I'd stuck some white copy paper along the bottom of the windows to block those last two inches. Now, they're fixed. Done.

I've been finding the work meditative. It's nice to find myself engaging in maintenance activities again. Of course, if I hadn't already been so busy this summer I could have gotten more done!

Theme songs

This week's songs - the theme from Rocky, twice; Van Halen "That's What Dreams are Made of"

"No Players"

In the breakup with Date #8 I'd been accused of being a "player". Neither me nor my friends thought the comment had any merit (based on our understanding of the word's connotations) but I still wondered what was this character type? It's not uncommon for online dating personal ads to state "no players", "tired of players", "players need not apply".

So, forever being an analyst I ordered and read the autobiography "The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists" by Neil Strauss. It's about a journalist who transforms from a lonely isolated geek to a geek with lots of buddies all of whom are engaged in the pursuit of women. The irony is that although he learns a lot about self-development, friendship, social psychology, and sex, in the end he still seems to be a lonely isolated geek.

The basic premise of the Pickup Artist world is that if you prey on a woman's sense of insecurity and you project a sense of self-confidence, eventually you will meet women who will progress very quickly to physical intimacy. In the pickup artist's world everything is scripted like they are on stage. New recruits are taught to develop a series of interactions - how to approach a group, how to isolate a woman, how to make negative comments about her, etc. In order to overcome "beginners" nervousness they're assigned exercises like "Walk down a busy street and within two hours initiate conversations with one hundred women". Though the process eventually yields results (realted to their goals), its design rules out development of emotional intimacy. Thus, "lonely-in" appears to yield "lonely-out".

The book was actually quite entertaining. Beyond that, it taught me more about the negative role that insecurity can play in relationships. It also made it clear that if a guy has any difficulty approaching and talking to woman it can be readily overcome by simply doing it over and over again.

My guess before I read the book (and after having read it) was that women who had been 'burned by players' were probably going to continue to be burned by them. Perversely, putting the phrase "no players" in their profile probably just makes them more of a target.

Pretty Good Team

Robin and I made a pretty good team. One Sunday afternoon years ago we decided to take our bicycles to Mt. Greylock in Massachusetts and ride to the summit - it's several miles of brutal, unrelenting uphill. We arrived at the visitor's center at the mountain's base late in the day with the intention of making it to the top and then riding back down before sunset. I'd done the ride years ago and recall it was about an hour and a half to the top and thirty minutes to ride down. We got dressed up in biking shorts and shirts and extracted our bicycles from the car. As I attached my front wheel to the bicycle frame I noticed a huge bubble in the tire. The rubber had weakened and given way. Now it was deformed in the shape of a small marble, and like a bubble gum bubble it was just waiting to burst!

We talked about options to fix the swollen tire. We had spare inner tubes but rarely carried whole spare tires. We asked a stranger about local bike shops. We could drive into town and try to find one, but they're typically closed on Sundays anyway.

We consigned ourselves to not making the ride that day until it occurred to me that Robin's bike was still in fine shape. "Why don't you go up and I'll follow you in the car? I'll be your support vehicle." After a little haggling the offer was accepted and she was on her way. I put my bike back in the car and followed her up, keeping my distance. She had a great non-stop ride to the top. Exhausted, she declined the offer to cruise back down.

I guess this pattern repeated itself in our lives. In the late 90's she wanted to pursue baking (before she knew she was allergic to wheat). A friend offered for us to come up to Alaska and work under his supervision for four summer months in a restaurant kitchen. Robin and I went to dinner that night at Friendly's and I noted that with the mortgage we couldn't both afford to go, but one of us could - and so she went. She supported me through years of flying lessons, and then when I wanted to learn to fly gliders she sent me to Estrella in Arizona for a week. When she wanted to go to massage school, but they didn't have one in our area we went to Ithaca, found her an apartment and enrolled her in school. I really miss that feeling of being part of a team, of supporting one another's dreams. (Not that I don't get excellent support from my friends these days!)

The Art of Selling

My brother Jonathan had given me a book years ago entitled "Mastering the Art of Selling". The author loved to be a salesman. Each day he would awaken not knowing what the day would bring. He knew he had products that someone out there needed, it was simply his job to keep meeting clients until he found those particular folks. He described the business of selling as "No","No","No","No","No", "No", "Yes."

Yep, not much different from dating...

First Date #12 - Thank Heavens!

A married friend asked how you meet people (physically) after you contact them online. Well, the most typical meetings are simply a casual dinner out, or coffee. You can try a fancy dinner, or you can suggest a walk somewhere (in public) but casual dinner/coffee are pretty good, low pressure methods for meeting someone for the first time. I've certainly learned that you can't tell anything about a person's online profile. You can learn a little more by chatting on the phone, but I pretty much try to reserve any judgments (good or bad) until after meeting someone in person and talking.

This first meeting with Date #12 was a coffee date. Two hours later and on the way out I suggest we meet again sometime. So I've fulfilled the purpose of a first date - to decide if I want to go on a second date. No reason to think past the second date. Better to get five dates in a row with someone before thinking any further. Each of the first five date's goal is simply to see if I would like to proceed to the next. Best to keep it simple as you begin to learn about each other.

Even on the way to the coffee shop I was pretty excited to have reached my goal of a Dozen First Dates. I started with the simple goal to learn about dating and to become comfortable with it again, but I've learned to much more than I could have imagined. It seems it can really pay off to go with your instincts and set off on an adventure (with clearly defined boundaries) and you can end up learning way more than you could have imagined.

Brick by Brick

I feel like I've been rebuilding my boundaries. Well, maybe building some of them for the first time.

When I was younger there seemed to be an exhilaration in opening up to someone new. But the ability to be open rapidly isn't an indication of how deep a relationship will form. In fact, as we get older and wiser it can be a definite turn off to have someone open up too quickly.

I think some folks think that openness will promote closeness but that doesn’t seem to ring true. In the end it seems the slow dance works best - a small step forward by one person, a small step forward by the other. Slowly building foundations and trust.

Would you rather buy a house that was assembled in three days, or one assembled in three months? Focus on friendship, the rest will take care of itself.

First Date #11

I was just describing to a friend how dating has changed for me. As compared to six months ago when I was self-conscious about what I wore and how I looked, these days going on a date seems like no big deal. This evening I got a call from Date #11 (who I'd been exchanging e-mails with for a few days) and we decided to meet for dinner. I had twenty minutes to take a shower, change and head out to the restaurant. It really didn’t take much thought to get ready to go.

My expectations are completely different these days. Having talked to #11 briefly I expected her to be kind of shy. As it turns out she was actually pretty outgoing and pretty interesting to chat with. As usually seems to happen when I'm meeting someone new, the waiter came by three times before we looked at the menu, and at the end of the evening we hung out and chatted well after the bill had been paid.

I don't expect I'll see her again, but we had a fun evening. I can't believe I'm just about at the end of the "dozen first dates". I knew I would learn a lot, but it's been way more than I could have expected. I'm actually kind of glad to be near the end - I could really use a break and some time do do my own thing!

The blog gap

If you're reading in this entry in September or October 2008 you've noticed the large gap in blog entries from June 3rd through September 13th. I didn't make entries during this time for a variety of reasons, but I've been sorting through three months of paper scraps getting ready to go back and fill it in.

Virus scan

I was loading virus scan onto a computer and it occurred to me that the same concept helps keep my mind clear. I'm now well trained to hear the spurious thoughts that occur, question them and toss out the ones that don’t have utility. I've been doing it for so long now that they seem to be occurring less and less.

Love's Divine

I feel like I've experienced a tectonic shift. Happiness is occurring daily. On the radio I hear Hammer "Can't Touch This", and Seal "Love's Divine" which has the line "Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name"

Giving someone space

It seems you can't give anyone well being, though maybe you can give them space in which they can find it within.

Happy Day II

Once again I'm having a happy day. I laugh spontaneously. I feel like I've been struggling, growing, learning.

Arms outstretched

Driving home at night I see a shape in the clouds above. It looks to me like a figure with arms outstretched. The moon glow from above illuminates its heart.

Happy Day

This morning I'm smiling on my way to the local coffee shop. Not sure why. I haven't felt this way in a long, long time - a couple years I suppose.

Somehow I seem completely happy with where I'm at. Happy with a whole day ahead of me - things to do but absolutely no schedule to keep, no one to meet. It's a "Greg day". As usual I hear a song from my favorite band, Boston. They always seem to be on the air when I'm either feeling exceptionally happy, or a little down. :)

Annie's Song

I turned down an invitation to visit a friend at her house and instead took a late afternoon nap and then watched some TV. I guess it's that time of year for PBS to be fundraising and tonight's entertainment is the life and music of John Denver. I always thought he seemed a little dorky or something but I really liked some of his music.

So it's one song after another, with snippets of interviews with John, interspersed with interviews of friends and family remembering his life. Then they start giving an intro to "Annie's Song" and for some unknown reason I'm starting to cry. Kind of odd these days. I can't remember the last time I had spontaneous tears - three months ago?

Somewhere long ago in my past I must have listened to this song and associated it with Robin. They're not even talking about the lyrics yet and tears are running down my cheeks. The tears just continue right through the portion where John Denver talks about the day that he wrote it, and right through him singing it:

You fill up me senses like a night in a forest
Like the mountains in springtime, like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert, like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses come fill me again.

Come let me love you, let me give my life to you
Let me drown in your laughter, let me die in your arms
Let me lay down beside you, let me always be with you
Come let me love you, come love me again.

Limiting choices

A spark. A smile. Self-confidence. My standards are increasing. Alex had once noted that your choices should help to narrow down the options. I sense my increasing selectivity will limit whom I choose to date, but I don't think that's a bad thing.

Life is Good

Today I attended a meeting for work. I noticed that in conversations I seem to be more at ease these days talking to people from all levels of the organization. It would appear that I used to be at least a bit self-conscious in work settings and I seem to have lost that trait. There seem to be fewer "odd" thoughts penetrating my conscious these days my mind seems clearer than it's even been.

Whereas last summer the world seemed short on possibilities, now it seems ripe with opportunity. I'm glad I've taken the time to develop again both socially and personally. Instead of focusing on the idea of meeting someone to be my partner I seem focused on finding friends who are fun to be with. The thought occurs to me "life is good".

The Spark!

I was at a meeting today where I came across a woman who had a bit of a spark to her - a positive energy! At one point she was hungry and as she leaves the room she says with a smile to her friends that she's going to get "something yummy for my tummy". Everything she says seems to be funny to her and she's always smiling. Wow - what a spark! Of course she's married, but I make a point of talking to her because I'm intensely curious - how come I'm not dating women like this? Like remembering a forgotten dream my interactions with this woman start to bring back memories of Robin's positive energy, the curiosity and happiness that she could exude. Wow!

Overthinking

I haven't quite understood what's going on with Date #9. She just seems way more open then you'd want to be with someone you've just met. I've been trying the route of just being friends but after a few dates I decide this isn't working for me. She lets me know later that she was holding back on the physical side of things because she didn’t really know what was going on in my 'widow head'. Hmm, suppose she could have asked - I'm not really hiding anything. I guess I felt like she was probably thinking way too much for the two of us!

Dating in your 40's

I had lunch with a couple of coworkers. One didn’t marry until she was in her late 30's so she had plenty of dating experience. She didn’t miss it and asked if it was "fun or frustrating" for me? [both!] She made an observation that I've heard several times which is that I must be a "sought after commodity", a widow in his 40's with no kids. I think this is actually what has gotten me into trouble a couple of times when women didn’t want to let me go!

Biking with Date #9

My personal boundaries are definitely getting stronger. Biking with Date #9 I feel a physical attraction but it no longer seems to cloud my judgment. I'm able to spot issues much more quickly. I'm cognizant of empty conversation, of responses that invite a potential partner to react emotionally - to provide validation to the other person. I'm not buying into it these days.

First Date #10

Yep, Can't stop me know I'm just rolling right on through a dozen!

Date #10 lives about fifty minutes away so we each drove twenty-five minutes to meet in the middle of nowhere. The restaurant was nice, the conversation was fun. She seemed a little stiff. I didn’t think much of it until we said goodbye and she threw her arms around my neck. Oh my, I guess she just isn't always that expressive until the end of a date.

Interestingly, we had talked about rebound relationships. She described dating someone soon after she divorced and then one day waking up and asking herself "why am I dating this person?"

Over the next couple of weeks we would exchange e-mails every three or four days until it became apparent that the energy level was too low for me to drive all the way out there again! :)

A year in dating

A year ago I was just learning how to approach people, well approach women specifically. Having been in a long-term relationship through last Winter I wasn't in a position to be practicing or learning new skills but this summer I've pretty much thrust myself into these situations. I'm actually feeling pretty relaxed about meeting women and I'm starting to be picky about whom I will date. I no longer seem intimidated by how someone acts, what they look like, or their educational background. I still feel foggy about what's supposed to happen next in a relationship but I pretty much have the "meeting" part worked out. There's still some spark that I had with Robin, a conspiratorial feeling like we were partners in crime. I haven't sensed that with anyone yet, but I wonder if that just develops over time…

Tumbled

I spent the afternoon laying on the beach at Block Island with my friend Yani, gently dozing in-and-out of sleep. Years ago I couldn't have sat (or laid down) for so long at one stint without feeling bored but I seem to have the knack for it now!

I spent some time in the water riding waves into shore. Eventually one tumbled me in the surf so hard that I didn't know which way was up. Salt water went up my nose, and sand filled my shorts. It kind of felt like the last year and a half - tumbled and disoriented and then standing up and walking out of it.

(Later I re-entered the water to try to get that sand out - but no matter what I tried there always seemed to be some left!)

Dexter...now you get to figure out who you are...

My long-time girlfriend and I had watched the HBO series Dexter on DVD last Winter. We'd been waiting eight months for the latest season to be released on DVD. The first DVD of the series has now arrived but I've been holding on to it - shouldn't we be watching it together? Finally I put in the first DVD and start watching it by myself. Somehow it feels like driving a wedge between us.

Dexter meets a woman (Lila) in an addiction recovery program. He acknowledges that he has a problem he can't control (um, he's a serial killer…). Lila notes that "acknowledging you have a problem" is the first step. She adds "[now] You get to have a fresh start. Whatever you thought, whatever you did, doesn’t matter. Now you get to figure out who you are."

Dexter ponders this message and thinks to himself - 'I went to Lila for answers [about addiction] but now all I have is more questions.

Who am I?
What do I need?
What do I want?

…coffee…I really want a cup of coffee…'

Overshare?

Hmm...three days in a row and Date #9 has been sending me long e-mails telling me about her hiking and asking how I'm doing. Seems like maybe too much sharing after one date. I take my time and reply just once a day. I don’t know that I want to encourage this behavior. eek!

Caveman in the 21st century

When dating I still feel like a caveman in the 21st century.

It's as if I were frozen during the ice age and recently thawed out. I don't have a clue about dating in the modern world and I've been having to figure it out as I go along!