"No Players"

In the breakup with Date #8 I'd been accused of being a "player". Neither me nor my friends thought the comment had any merit (based on our understanding of the word's connotations) but I still wondered what was this character type? It's not uncommon for online dating personal ads to state "no players", "tired of players", "players need not apply".

So, forever being an analyst I ordered and read the autobiography "The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists" by Neil Strauss. It's about a journalist who transforms from a lonely isolated geek to a geek with lots of buddies all of whom are engaged in the pursuit of women. The irony is that although he learns a lot about self-development, friendship, social psychology, and sex, in the end he still seems to be a lonely isolated geek.

The basic premise of the Pickup Artist world is that if you prey on a woman's sense of insecurity and you project a sense of self-confidence, eventually you will meet women who will progress very quickly to physical intimacy. In the pickup artist's world everything is scripted like they are on stage. New recruits are taught to develop a series of interactions - how to approach a group, how to isolate a woman, how to make negative comments about her, etc. In order to overcome "beginners" nervousness they're assigned exercises like "Walk down a busy street and within two hours initiate conversations with one hundred women". Though the process eventually yields results (realted to their goals), its design rules out development of emotional intimacy. Thus, "lonely-in" appears to yield "lonely-out".

The book was actually quite entertaining. Beyond that, it taught me more about the negative role that insecurity can play in relationships. It also made it clear that if a guy has any difficulty approaching and talking to woman it can be readily overcome by simply doing it over and over again.

My guess before I read the book (and after having read it) was that women who had been 'burned by players' were probably going to continue to be burned by them. Perversely, putting the phrase "no players" in their profile probably just makes them more of a target.