In the moment

I was driving down the highway when my mind framed this thought in very concrete terms. I'd been around to participate in and see almost half of Robin's life - from age 23 to age 43. She'd entered this world, experienced it, and she was gone from it. And the world is still moving forward. Humans are continually entering and exiting. At this point I've lived three years longer than Robin and time still seems so short in span. It's easy to imagine a person in the end feeling like it all passed in the blink of an eye. It's really amazing that we can get so caught up in day-to-day living, that we can get hung up on our future desires, that we can judge others so nonchalantly, that many of our lives are lived from a position of fear and avoidance. It's all going to be over so soon…

I considered whether this is the perspective that people develop after they lose their parents (which I haven't) but I think it's decidedly different. When your parents pass away your mind can always rationalize it -"What did I expect?" It's the flow of life. One day I'll also become old and gray and I will come to an end - but that day always seems so far in the future. After all, your parents were 20, or 30, or 40 years older. So there's always time to grow old.

With Robin the lesson was that there is no predefined lifespan. For some humans life comes to an end earlier than others - and no matter when we die it's likely always earlier than we expect. Rather than diminish my view of the time remaining this tenet seems to be accentuating it. Now there is greater freedom from rules and absolutes. These days I can be just as happy with any activity - whether it used to be considered recreation or a chore. I'm often aware in the moment of my thoughts and feelings and experience them with interest and curiosity rather than as defining me.

Though I haven't fully thought it through, I feel intuitively that I used to be driven by a fear of my own death. Certainly now I'm driven more by a love of life.