Teary-eyed Massage

I went for a massage today and I was talking to Sara (the therapist) about how I had started dating after Robin died. We talked about marriage, and about single life, and Sara mentioned that her mother had been dating and met a fellow who had lost his wife when he was a young man. This fellow stated that he had never expected to marry again - but having met Sara's mom had changed his plan.

The conversation was occurring as Sara massaged my back and soon we fell into silence while she combated tight muscles in the middle of my back. My mind drifted and soon I found myself thinking of Robin and when she used to give me massage for relaxation. I allowed myself to think of being in Robin's office and feeling her strong but gentle hands. Soon I could feel the welling of emotions and the sensation of warm, wet eyes. Tears slowly formed, but since I was laying on my stomach with my face in the cradle they couldn't run down my cheek - instead they began to flow down my nose.

Although I was allowing myself to feel the emotions, I also wanted some distance from them. I began to visualize the feelings being contained in a row boat that I could push away from the shore. Then I reframed it and I put myself in the row boat, in the middle of a cove. I thought some more and I moved the boat with me in it to the middle of the ocean, with no shore in site. As the feelings flowed I considered that I didn’t need the boat and I changed to visualizing myself floating in the ocean face-up. This was a familiar position from when I was younger and used to do visualization for relaxation - with myself floating in the ocean, a beautiful blue sky overhead. Finally I considered the pressure and movement of Sara's hands on my back and I began to visualize the pressure being generated by waves lapping at my body.

Soon Sara declared it was time for me to turn over. My eyes felt drier but I thought I’d wipe them off anyway. Turns out they were more wet than I expected. Even after wiping them I could feel the moisture. I considered talking to Sara - noting that I was experiencing some emotions. But then I thought, "I don't feeling like sharing right now". In the moment, this time turned out to be for me rather than for sharing.