Relationships in the moment

I really had a great time meeting old friends this week. Some folks I hadn't seen in months, others in years. It felt really nice to interact, accepting the relationships for what they were at the moment and not having any pressure about where they were going. I think this is a quality I sometimes miss - in the past I used to focus far too much on where a relationship might go in the future rather than just relaxing and enjoying the moment.

Chatterbox

Traveling is rife with opportunities to talk to strangers and I seem to have become quite the chatterbox. If it's me and one other person on the elevator then we'll be talking about something! For a few weeks it took some conscious effort, I was "practicing" conversations on purpose. But now it's happening without me even thinking about it. Pretty much it doesn't matter who it is - man, women, child, young, old - I'll talk to anyone. Well, this morning I did move a little more quickly to make sure I caught up with a woman who was boarding the elevator. It was one of those experiences where I thought "here's a beautiful young lady I'd like to speak with". Then we started chatting and she had one of the most nasally voices I've ever heard. It seems part of the excitement has been learning that my prejudices rarely align with the way people really are.

Brennan's Sweet Desserts

At the conference I met another friend from many, many years ago. Somehow I couldn't help flirting with her until she indicated that maybe I was going a little too far considering she was married. Eek -guess I'm in new territory and exploring new boundaries!

Anyway, she did invite me out to dinner with a group of her coworkers who were headed to the French Quarter. We passed Brennan's which appeared to be closed, but soon turned around and went back there. What a wonderful restaurant! This is where Banana's Foster was created - if you're ever in New Orleans it's worth the trip!

We had a great time chatting over dinner. There was myself and one other fellow (who was shy) and four women. We talked about hobbies, relationships, things we'd done in life, things we were looking forward to doing. We ordered several different desserts and shared them around the table - Bananas Foster, Lemon Crepes, Bread Pudding. We had a blast!

Nothing could have been better than the parting comment from my friend at the end of the night. Just out of earshot of the group we hugged goodnight and she said to me "You were a hit with the ladies". :)

Breaking down barriers

Last Winter I'd taken a training class in Florida and met a coworker from another part of the country. She had "The Spark" and I really had fun hanging out with her. We ran into each other again at this conference and headed out for lunch. She's still in a long-term relationship so we're just friends, however we can both be touchy-feely. For instance we can touch each other on the arm when we're talking, or she can take my arm while we're walking down the street. Since I've broken down some of my self-limiting ideas about how friends act and how lovers act, I feel like my relationships with friends have taken on a new dimension.

Happy Pills?

After unpacking I headed out to find a store to stock up on water and snacks. I approached the concierge with quite the smile on my face. We chatted and laughed and she asked if I'd taken happy pills - I replied "Nope, I haven't been drinking either!." My state of happiness just seems to be increasing all the time.

New Orleans!

Today I arrived in New Orleans for a work related conference. Upon boarding the airplane for the second flight leg I found someone in my assigned seat. I showed him my boarding pass and he realized he was in the wrong seat. He moved on and left me sitting next to a New Orleans native. I apologized for dislodging the fellow she'd been talking to. She said that was fine and she observed that I had such a "peaceful, composed manner". She was many years my senior, but we chatted and flirted anyway. She provided a list of the best places for visitor's to dine!

The itch

In the widow community there's a recognized 'itch' - a desire by a widow or widower to touch and be touched. The type of touch and the amount desired varies by individual.

I think it's explained well by the principle of Maslow's pyramid. Abraham Maslow was a psychologist in the 1900's who postulated a theory that humans have a hierarchy of needs - the levels could be stacked like a pyramid with the most basic needs at the bottom. The initial needs are "physiological" - we need to breathe, drink, sleep and have sex. If all these needs are met in our environment then we can focus on attaining the next level "safety" - security of family, health, employment. If these needs are met we have the time and freedom to seek "love and belonging" - friendship, family, sexual intimacy. If these needs are met then we have freedom to pursue activities which enhance "esteem" - confidence, achievement, respect of others. And finally, if we feel fulfilled in all these other areas then we have the time to work on "self-actualization" - issues of morality, creativity, spontaneity, problem solving, lack of prejudice, acceptance of facts.

I studied psychology in school so I was familiar with the concepts and over the past year I've been thinking I need to get back and review the "hierarchy of needs". I guess until now my basic needs hadn't been sufficiently fulfilled for me to make the time. ;)

Maslow's theory was that we continually move up and down the pyramid - when things change we revert to the more basic needs, and when they're once again fulfilled we can move back to addressing the higher needs. So Maslow's theory seems to quite directly address the "itch". Specifically - you could have all your needs met then you lose a significant other and you tumble down the pyramid. In one fell swoop you've lost all your foundations and you revert to trying to meet basic needs.

One of the elements of dating I struggle to understand is how physical intimacy fits in with everything else that goes on in dating and evolving. However lately I recognize that I'm not interested in developing the physical side of a relationship just for the sake of touch. Must have successfully rebuilt some of my foundations!

Dating on my own terms

This week I'm at an offsite team meeting - my four peers and I are meeting with management folks. Each morning as we're waiting for the meeting to begin I've been initiating conversations with a twenty-something woman who is on travel with her boss and staying at the same hotel. When I note to the two peers my age that I'm thinking about asking the woman out to dinner they're surprised - I've just chatted with this young lady a couple times and I would ask her out on a date? [Isn't this how datng is supposed to work?] The thought doesn’t make me nervous at all so they assume I have balls of steel. Not true - I simply seem to have discarded my own outmoded dating fears, expectations and preconceptions. Wow - the "dozen dates" really has changed the way I think and act!

The two older fellows on my team express surprise because this woman is so much younger than me - lol, it occurs to me that each of them has daughters in that age range.

Go with your gut

It used to be that at the end of a date if a woman was nervous I would assume she wasn't sure what to make of me - should we shake hands, hug, kiss? Nowadays if a woman seems nervous I don't give it much thought at all. Possibly she's not sure what to make of her feelings? Who knows - it's not my issue. I go with my gut. If she shies away from a kiss that's OK.

It's funny how our experiences can be colored by the meanings we give to things - after all we're the ones assigning the meaning. It seems like a lot of overhead trying to figure out what this-or-that means and then looking for clues that your perceptions are correct. What if we could all just stop thinking about what we're doing and just act from the heart - more like children? :)

Greg's birthday gift

I assumed that since I've been seeing a couple of woman regularly I could plan ahead for an event on my birthday (today!) and surely someone would be available to attend. So I bought a couple of tickets to a local play - and then none of my current dates were available! They both have careers, they both have kids, they are both busy people. It wasn't clear until the day before that I wouldn't have a date for the play. I had several options - start calling friends, go on my own, just skip the play and let the tickets go unused. Years ago I would have tried to find a friend to go last minute and if no one were available then I would have skipped the show.

This time I decided to not try to track someone down last minute. I decided I go on my own and so I found myself driving to the theater tonight solo. I kind of viewed it as treating myself to a night out. And who knew - it was possible I'd make new friends there. Driving to the city I vacillated about whether I should just skip the whole thing. I suppose from the underlying fear that people would see me solo and wonder "why couldn't that guy find a date". Then I thought what's the worst that could happen - maybe I'd meet folks I actually knew and they would ask why I was alone.

Instead of trying to arrive just as the play started I made sure to arrive early. I went to the bar and got a water and lo and behold I did meet people that I knew from work and they did ask why I was alone and I told them my dates turned me down and I was solo. And the world didn't end. The theater of course had assigned seating, so I sat by myself during the show, but I felt a strange sense of being OK with being on my own and maybe just a little, being proud of it. It made me wonder 'who is this guy Greg and what's he capable of'?

Got my "flirt" on

Hmmm...life is more fun when you're flirting!

I feel like a new Greg is emerging. I feel a sense of calm within myself that I've never felt before. Somehow I seem to more easily observe other people's insecurities. I probably couldn't see them before because I was so caught up in mine.

I've never had a difficult time starting conversations - like say at the deli counter, or standing next to someone in a checkout line. But now it seems to be happening more and more without me having to give it any thought.

Rare Love?

I think it's a mistake to think of love as being rare - it reduces your ability to see it everywhere!

Relaxed Dating

These days it's been nice to not be pressed to get on to the next "first date". I've been occasionally having dinner with a couple of different woman. It's been a nice change to see the same people regularly and get to know them a little better.