The itch

In the widow community there's a recognized 'itch' - a desire by a widow or widower to touch and be touched. The type of touch and the amount desired varies by individual.

I think it's explained well by the principle of Maslow's pyramid. Abraham Maslow was a psychologist in the 1900's who postulated a theory that humans have a hierarchy of needs - the levels could be stacked like a pyramid with the most basic needs at the bottom. The initial needs are "physiological" - we need to breathe, drink, sleep and have sex. If all these needs are met in our environment then we can focus on attaining the next level "safety" - security of family, health, employment. If these needs are met we have the time and freedom to seek "love and belonging" - friendship, family, sexual intimacy. If these needs are met then we have freedom to pursue activities which enhance "esteem" - confidence, achievement, respect of others. And finally, if we feel fulfilled in all these other areas then we have the time to work on "self-actualization" - issues of morality, creativity, spontaneity, problem solving, lack of prejudice, acceptance of facts.

I studied psychology in school so I was familiar with the concepts and over the past year I've been thinking I need to get back and review the "hierarchy of needs". I guess until now my basic needs hadn't been sufficiently fulfilled for me to make the time. ;)

Maslow's theory was that we continually move up and down the pyramid - when things change we revert to the more basic needs, and when they're once again fulfilled we can move back to addressing the higher needs. So Maslow's theory seems to quite directly address the "itch". Specifically - you could have all your needs met then you lose a significant other and you tumble down the pyramid. In one fell swoop you've lost all your foundations and you revert to trying to meet basic needs.

One of the elements of dating I struggle to understand is how physical intimacy fits in with everything else that goes on in dating and evolving. However lately I recognize that I'm not interested in developing the physical side of a relationship just for the sake of touch. Must have successfully rebuilt some of my foundations!