Busy

Lately I've been too busy to make time to write. I've had too much to think about. A new job at work. Still thinking about my futue.

What have you got to worry about?

I watched the Indian movie "Me and Anita". At one point Meena is talking to her Grandmother who (referring to reincarnation) asks "How can you be scared [about life] when you've lived so many lives and have so many to go still?"

Robin and I felt like we'd known each other before. We talked about the possibility of having met in past lives. What have I got to worry about if I'll see her again?

Eyelash

I noticed an eyelash on windowsill in the hallway. I think, "Is it Robin's?" … Hmmm, probably not, it's been so long. It was *really nice* to see her the other day in the dream…

Changed

The power company came down the street today and parked across from the house. There's an empty lot across the street that's full of huge trees which grow up around the power lines. These workers were professional tree trimmers. They hacked huge limbs off the trees piece by piece. I thought that if someone were to drive down the street after the trimmers had been here, they wouldn't have really noticed the trees had been decimated, shredded. To passers-by the trees may have looked a little unbalanced, but for the most part it would be hard to imagine how their structure had changed. The tree will carry the scars and memories of today until it dies. I feel the same way. No new folks that I meet could imagine how I'm different than I used to be.

Robin in dreams

When I'd gone to the widow dinner some folks complained about seeing their loved one in dreams. Particularly the ones who see them every night - they hate it because when they wake up they feel the sense of loss all over again.

I dreamt of meeting Robin in her Aunt's house - in a room we'd stayed in before. She smiled, we talked - though I couldn't hear the words. She seemed happy. It gave me a great deal of comfort to be able to interact with her again. Having awoken I feel closer to her. I felt like in the dream Robin couldn't leave that particular room but I had the sense that I could return and visit her anytime.

More rays

Before my flight home I lay by the pool again and got more sun.

Orion

Sometime freshman year in college I noticed the constellation Orion was appearing every night. In the Fall I'd see it first early in the evening, then as winter progressed I'd see it later and later at night. For some reason it brought a feeling of consistency to the world. I considered how this constellation would follow its cycle and as long as I was around it would be back again year after year. I guess there was some realization that its cycle had been around long before me and it would continue long after I was gone. I don’t know if I felt I was watching over it, or it was watching over me.

Laying by the pool

I'm in Orlando for training this week. This evening I lay by the pool and suntanned. I never used to be able to sit still in the sun before (ever). Somehow it's easier now to sit still, be quite and to feel the rays.

Introduce your neighbor

In training class today we started with a get-to-know-your-neighbor exercise. So in two minutes you were to get to know the person next to us and introduce them to the class. I was in a group of three folks and the first question I was asked was "do you have a wife and kids?". Well, that's a way to get to know someone. When they introduced me to the class they simply talked about my hobbies. :)

In tune - the messages never stop

I end up flipping channels and eventually pick a movie to watch - "Always". It stars Richard Dreyfus as a firefighting pilot out West. It's seems like a cool movie with lots of airplanes and flying scenes. But next thing I know Richard Dreyfus' character dies in an accident.

As the plot evolves it's evident that his character hasn't left this earth. He stays around for a year and watches as his girlfriend (Holly Hunter) deals with grief, with loss, with learning, with finding new love, and finding her strength.

Geez, when you're in tune with the universe the messages never stop coming.

"P.S. I love you"

At the hotel on the beach I thought I'd take some time off and watch some television. The TV powered up on the movie preview channel. The first preview was for the movie "PS I love you" in which a young Jennifer Garner loses her husband. He must have known he was dying because he arranges to have letters sent to her every week for the first year after his death. The letters will coach her back into life. With Robin's death just over one year ago now I'm thinking that sometimes being connected to the universe feels uncomfortable.

Long distance insights

One of the reasons I'd embarked on this trip was to figure out why I was finding that (emotionally) my current significant relationship shared many of the same characteristics as my relationship to Robin had. Pulling into the hotel parking lot I realized that many of the feelings I was having in the relationship were simply feelings, expectations, obligations that I created and imposed upon myself. I suddenly felt free of these thoughts and feelings knowing that I'd created them.

Here I'd planned the trip for weeks. I'd traveled all day to get to the beach, and in a flash of insight I'd resolved one of the larger issues in my current life. It sure would be easier if I could learn to gain these insights at home!

Hope you had the time of your life

I felt the need to get away for a few days so I extended a business trip and planned a weekend at the beach in Florida. The purpose was to find some solo time for reflection. I have found it all too easy to fill my time with all kinds of activities. Sometimes I wonder if I'm distracting myself from dealing with things or if I'm just getting back to living.

Upon arriving in Orlando I picked up a rental car and headed out to the East coast. Leaving the airport I was already feeling swelling emotions and teary eyes when I came upon a toll booth. I wondered what the collector was going to think of this teary-eyed guy driving up to the booth - then I realized I was wearing sunglasses - today I'd look like everyone else.

Just through the toll booth a song started to play on the radio. At Robin's massage school graduation a young man had sung the song while playing an acoustic guitar. I figured it was no coincidence, I was just me connecting with the universe once a again.

Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life) lyrics by Greenday

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

Concentration and focus

Last Spring I spent a lot of time vegetating - watching TV and playing video games. I tried my hand at one race car game but I couldn't get past the first level. The most frustrating part was that eight year olds were probably through this level after playing for a few minutes. At the time I couldn't figure out why I couldn’t advance. Now I've picked up the game again a year later. Suddenly I'm able to think strategy and try different tactics. I select different cars for races based on the cars characteristics (acceleration, cornering, braking) and the shape of the track. Now I advance levels quickly. Last year I couldn’t get past the initial three tracks, now I'm up to track eighteen in a couple of weeks.

I think we probably all have a certain amount of time we can be focused each day. We have productive periods and we have time that we need to rest. My daily period of productivity is still not what it used to be, but it's much improved.

I don't know for sure what was missing last year, but I do know my ability to focus on the current issue, concentrate for longer time periods and to solve problems is much improved.