Feeling lonely among other people

I made a note some time ago about how I could feel lonely even when around other people. I wondered how I could feel this way walking down the street with hundreds of people around me? It felt like I knew too much about what could go wrong with life. I felt like other people's unhappiness was palpable. Like I could sense it in the way they looked, the things they said, they ways they acted. These days it's a complete turn around. I can't help but feel connected to everyone, even when I'm on my own in a crowd.

Pre-xmas Fortune Cookie

A beautiful, smart, and loving person will be coming into your life.

Ooooh, cool fortune!

Assisting Fate

I was sitting in a rocking chair in the "Mall" area at the Philadelphia airport (between flight connections) when I noticed a *very* tall young lady in a bookstore across the hall. Wow - she's got to be at least 6 feet tall! I thought, I could walk over to the store and meet her to practice my social skills. Then I thought, I don't have to meet everyone in the world - plus I think I pretty much have developed all the skills I presently need - so it would be fun but it wasn't necessary.

I went back to making notes for work and for future blogging, resisting the universe's invitation.

Finally I decided it was time for a latte so I gathered up my carry-on and coat and made my way down to see the baristas at the junction of terminals B&C. I was second in line getting ready to order when I noticed the tall young lady had now joined the line two spots behind me. OK, the universe has put us in close proximity again. How do I meet her now? Well, I don't have to worry things will work out if I patience.

After you order espresso drinks you typically move down to a pickup counter and await your drink, so I figured that's naturally where we would end up meeting. But then I heard her two cashier's down ordering coffee. Hmmm, she'll just get her coffee from the cashier, so she won't be waiting to pickup a drink. As I make my way over to the pickup counter (hmm..that's an interesting label) I notice that's where this vendor places the cream and sugar. Aha! First I thought, I'll stop just before the counter. Then I thought, I'll stop just after the counter. Finally I realize if I stop right in front of the cream and sugar, then she'll have to say something to me first. :)

In reality these thoughts are not taking a lot of overhead. I'd have no problem just saying hi, but wouldn't it be nice if it felt a little more natural? It's nice to be able to work with the situation a little bit.

As for a topic to discuss, that was easy. As she approached and asked to get to the cream and sugar I noticed she had a pillow strapped to her suitcase, and that's how the conversation started. She just liked to have her pillow on travel and it came in handy for her on the flights. She had left early that morning from out West and was on her way to Ithaca to visit friends. We talked about the great restaurants in Ithaca. I noted that I knew someone who had gone to massage school there, and about how cities with massage schools typically had lots of graduates who stayed in the area to practice. It seems like in Ithaca there's a massage practice on every other corner. She asked about my travel and I described my job and destination for the week. She headed off to another terminal and I headed back to the rocking chairs. Wow - looks like they're all taken - then at the very end I see a chair rocking - someone's just left. I guess I was in tune with the universe and it was freeing up a chair for me to sit back down and contemplate how different I am these days.

Maybe my lesson for today was learning how to "assist fate". :)

This phase?

In October and November I felt like I was entering a new phase. Dating didn’t seem to be such a priority but it wasn't clear what this new phase was about. It seems to be becoming clear that I'm processing a lot of the data I gathered this past year and my learning is accelerating. I feel like this year will come to quite a satisfying conclusion with many lessons learned!

Accepting relationships for what they are…

Recently I'd recognized that other people have different views, different models of the world - like when I noted that some people don’t desire (or don't have the skills to maintain) a long-term relationship.

As Julia, Yani and I returned from a weekend in New York City another thought dawned on me. I turned to Julia and said "I think both you and Alex have tried to explain that you can't plan up front what a given relationship will be like - how long it will last, how deep it will become."

She said yes and I went on "I think I finally got it. I can't predict where a relationship will go because my partners may have different motivations, different intentions."

All we can do is be open to new relationships and enjoy them for what they are, rather than getting hung up on what they could be.

Theory of Mind

During the latest foray into Wikipedia I also came across the "Theory of Mind" which is described as "the ability to attribute mental states—beliefs, intents, desires, pretending, knowledge, etc.—to oneself and others and to understand that others have beliefs, desires and intentions that are different from one's own."

Apparently it's one of the skills children pick up in their first few years. It seems I've only recently developed my "Dating Theory of Mind". To be able to understand that the women I meet have their own beliefs, intents, desires about relationships. :)

In some way, I think that when I've met women I've compared and considered how they would fit into the type of lifestyle or relationship that I had with Robin. Would this person be interested in long bike rides? Would that person be interested in spontaneous weekend trips to a city?

Only now I'm recognizing that the content and context of past relationships will have little bearing on my future relationships. The future ones will all be defined and negotiated with someone new - so they'll necessarily be different!

Attachment Disorder

Alex often makes observations about people's relationship skills based on some knowledge that's not visible to me.

I started looking around Wikipedia for information about "Human Bonding" (no not bondage!) which then led to a link about "Attachment Disorder". Attachment Disorder results when a child is not exposed to sensitive, responsive social interactions with an adult who remains as a consistent caregiver for some time. Later in life (as adults) the disorder may manifest itself as either an inhibition to form attachments (reactive attachment disorder), or the opposite, an uninhibited style of interacting with others (disinhibited attachment disorder). Basically the child has developed models of human interaction which may not support the development of positive interpersonal relationships.

Hmmm…some of the qualities of these disorders seem to be the same qualities upon which Alex comments. This better explains to me why some people act in certain ways, and why I might misinterpret their actions.

Neo - seeing things as they are

I saw Alex today and talked about my recent dating experiences. I do a pretty good job of understanding what's going on these days - both in dating and in myself.

Driving home I feel like Neo in the movie "The Matrix" (was Robin's favorite). Essentially he's born immobile in an incubator and enslaved to machines which feed dreams into his brain while they harness his body's electrical energy. Well into adulthood he thinks he's an autonomous being living in a world of rules where he wakes each day, gets dressed, goes to work, has relationships, eats food, goes to sleep. But in reality, all along he has been sleeping and dreaming inside the incubator alongside millions of other human slaves. An umbilical cord feeds him nourishment. A computer network creates his illusionary life and pipes the images into his brain like a movie.

Some humans have escaped from the slave farms and they rescue Neo, releasing him from the prison. In order to save the human race they're required to plug their brains back into the computer network - interacting with the imaginary dreams of the human slaves. The computer generated environment seems so real when they venture back inside but eventually Neo finds the energy within himself to change the computer programs and therefore the outcome of events inside the Matrix.

At the climax he's plugged back into the matrix and he's under attack, a barrage of bullets is hurtling toward him when he finally halts the computer programs. The bullets stop in midair a foot short of piercing his Matrix persona. He reaches out and gently picks a hanging bullet out of the air, inspects it, acknowledges that it's not real, drops it to the floor. The remaining bullets fall to the ground. Acceptance of the dream world and it's rules has ended. Neo has become master of his environment - he sees things as they are and his imagined limitations disappear.

Tenets of Tae Kwon Do

To be successful in completing Sudoku puzzles it's best to develop repeatable strategies for analyzing the possible values for the empty squares. Robin and I would occasionally do them together and she had some strategies that I couldn't grasp, but recently as I've begun to do them again I think I've been developing some of those strategies. Being able to complete them reminds me of her "Tenets of Tae Kwon Do" (she was a Brown Belt):

-Patience
-Perseverance
-Integrity
-Indomitable Spirit

Purpose

I've been reading a book recently in which two characters are on an adventure and they're talking about life. The young man recently recognized he's different and is wondering "What's inside of me? Why am I different?" His traveling companion notes that perhaps what's happening to him is for a purpose, to which he adds "If my life is meant for a purpose then why have I no say in it?"

Choosing each other

I read an article about dating in which the author proposed that many people remain single because they don't put enough effort into meeting potential partners. She suggested that a person spend at least fifteen hours a week doing dating related things - seeking dates, going out on dates. Hmmm...I think over the summer I met that weekly quota handily. :)

Who we are to choose our loves when we do meet them? It takes two people to be ready for a relationship to start. The most we can do is be available, to present ourselves.

Under Stress…

Beginning last Spring I noticed that when there was stress in my life then I'd be more prone to feeling the grieving response, e.g. getting a tear in my eye. I noticed recently that it doesn't seem to be happening as much these days.

Not that I was tressed about Robin, but I also thought about how some people write a letter to the one they lost. I feel like we got to say everything we needed to say while she was here...

Dreaming of Robin

This morning as I began to stir I was partly in a dream with Robin and partly awake. She and I were having fun in the house I grew up in. I don't see her in dreams often and today the experience brings me only joy. So while the analytical portion of my brain acknowledged that this was a dream and tried to rouse me more fully, the dream side overruled. I smiled, squeezed my eyes shut a little bit and enjoyed the reverberations of dreamland a little longer.

All this work?

So I've been wondering why I have been doing all this work? Why have I been focused on dating? Have I been trying to "jump start" my life again? What am I searching for?

I recall one way to prepare for the future and give yourself direction was to close your eyes and imagine your future. Say you wanted to buy a house, then you'd imagine it in as much detail as possible. Imagine the surrounding land and neighborhood, the style of the house, the color, the garage, the driveway. Then imagine walking in the front door, what color are the walls, are the floors carpeted or hardwood? How is it decorated? What's the kitchen look like, and so on. By imaging all the details you establish what the future looks like and you then have an end goal to work toward. So I wonder if that works for relationships too…