First Date #6

Besides dating I've also been getting out participating in group activities such as dinners and wine tasting. And so I met the next woman in a social setting a couple of times. We soon agreed to meet for dinner. I arrived early to the tiny restaurant and the host tried to seat me next to the entrance which I declined. After a bit of finagling he provided a much better table - a kind gesture for which he and the waiter would be splitting a huge tip! The dinner went very nicely with no red flags. She's a healthcare practitioner who has property out in the countryside where she's learning to fix things around the house and she has a tractor to farm the land - how independent!

Dating bug

I’d resolved at some point to not write about dating because it seemed too personal, but hey, after everything else I've written what's the difference? Dating has been the one thing that’s produced the most learning opportunities, the most laughter, the most special happy moments, and the most heartache as I learn to grow and evolve. Whatever happens, I continue to remind myself that the fears and scary feelings I have are nothing compared to watching Robin become ill and die.

Dating has been a strange subject. I may have mentioned along the way that I had a drive to date again. No, not months after Robin had died, more like weeks. Weird? Yeah, even I knew it was weird, but in the recent past going with my instincts has been a way of life. Well, mostly. It was really easy to follow my instincts into the dating world. It’s been a heck of a lot more difficult extracting myself from some situations. But as it turns out that’s been one of the life lessons that I’ve had to learn.

Dating school!

So here I was, learning that looks don't count for much and internet profiles are not very informative. Even better, I'd always been a good listener but now I was learning to ask questions and listen to what I was being told beyond the conversation.

First Date #5

When this woman walked in I thought "this is the most beautiful woman I've dated." Well, recently of course. ;)

She was tall, athletic looking, nicely dressed. I could get used to this dating thing… She pronounced the menu items in French. When I complimented her she said in a way that was more self-castigating than self-deprecating that "she didn't really know how to pronounce these words". [red flag #1] Over dinner she told me that she'd worked at a temp agency for ten years in Atlanta. I knew many folks used temp jobs to gain fulltime employment with firms, but when queried she admitted that although she occasionally converted to fulltime she never liked the people with whom she ended up working so always went back to temping. [red flag #2] A year ago she earned a nursing degree but really didn’t like working with nurses in Atlanta [red flag #3 - doesn’t sound serious, but at this point the negatives are piling up], so she'd moved back up North where she found she didn't really like working with the staff in the local a medical center [red flag #4]. Now she was going to work in a nursing home which would be light duty but a huge pay cut. In fact she mentioned the huge pay cut multiple times [red flag #5]. She went on with several stories about other activities in her life not running very smoothly. [was it all bad karma??]

Wow, I learned way more about this woman from the general story themes than I learned from what she had actually said. As we walked to our cars I hadn't even thought to give her a hug - until she put forward her hand for a handshake. I already had my keys in hand and I'd been so anxious to get in my car that I had to step back toward her just to shake her hand goodbye! I didn't mention anything about possibly meeting again…

[A week later I would learn through the grapevine that this person had been fired from her job at the local medical center - she was making everyone else at work miserable!]

We're always telling about ourselves

One thing that's become obvious is that we tell about ourselves all the time - in the way we describe ourselves, in the way in which we respond to events. The words we use, the actions we take all say something about who we are and what we believe.

Whack upside the head

I was talking to Alex the other day (yep still seeing him) about the fact that I've resumed my relationship from last Winter, yet I'm still going on first dates. I've been open about the fact that I'm dating but it's starting to feel uncomfortable. Plus how do I know if this woman is for me and I should simply discontinue the "first dates"?

Alex suggests that if I'm not in a committed relationship then it's OK to be going on dates. He also states that I don't seem to have enough information to answer my own questions so I should keep exploring.

I think "What patience this guy must have to not occasionally whack me upside the head to bring me back to awareness".

Women's dating books

OK, curiosity got the better of me. I went to Amazon.com and ordered a few "Dating books" written for women. I don't know if I'm just in touch with my feminine side, or I'm simply trying to understand what goes on in the minds of women. I suppose more so I don't think there are many useful dating publications for men. :)

Devious stares in my direction

There's a song Robin and both liked which has a great riff and these lines:

Hanging 'round
Downtown by myself
And I had so much time
To sit and think about myself
And then there she was
Like double cherry pie
Yeah, there she was
Like disco superfly

I smell sex and candy here
Who's that lounging in my chair?
Who's that casting devious stares in my direction?
Mama, this surely is a dream

So these days I'm starting to catch stares from women I don't know. At first I thought it was an anomaly. Then as I stood in Starbucks waiting for my vanilla latte, looking into someone else's eyes at the other end of the store, I started to realize it's all your perspective. If you're thinking about your day, your job, your home life then you're probably just not going to have your head up and be open to a little eye flirtation.

First Date #4 (1st Internet date)

Well, this was the first date generated through an Internet site. We'd talked early in the week and picked a place and time for Saturday. She noted that we could touch base later in the week to confirm. Overall I wasn't really impressed with her but I needed to start racking up the date count - so I'm going!

Saturday morning I realized we hadn't spoken again, so I sent an e-mail about meeting later in the day. I could have called but I suppose I was nervous enough just about going and not overly excited about the meeting. I arrived early and hung-out but she's a no show. It's a coffee place with games so I sit at a table and assemble an impossible jigsaw puzzle while I sip my coffee. It's a picture of a harbor with small sailboats and *lots* of blue sky. Guess that owl puzzle experience is now paying off! After about twenty minutes I decide to head out. I've got my bicycle in the car and I'm planning on going for a bike ride.

I wonder "Do I get credit for a First Date?" You bet I do - I showed up at the right place at the right time. On my way to the car my phone rings and I let it roll over to voicemail. She leaves a message that since we hadn't confirmed she assumed I'd lost interest, but just got my e-mail. Hmmm…I wouldn't have assume that. If I wasn't sure I would have initiated a call myself. I feel a little uncomfortable - like someone winning a game on a technicality since I'm counting this as a first date.

We never would setup another meeting.

The purpose of dating?

So now that I'm in dating mode I've been trying to define what the purpose is of "going on a date". It seems like the purpose of the first date with a person is to see if you want to go on a second. The purpose of the second is to see if you want to go on a third. After five dates you can probably decide if you think you'd like to see the person for another month, and so on.

First Date #3

Well, technically this wasn't a 'very first date' since it was with the woman I'd dated for eight months last Winter, but things seemed different between us now.

The person who cuts my hair had asked if we'd broken up for good or if we were going to be friends and she pointed out that the friendship thing usually doesn’t work out. I thought she meant that the two people get mad at each other or develop disagreements over time. Little did I know the toughest problem was quite the opposite - you've been so close for so long that it's hard to create a wall between the two of you and to change the relationship.

So it was that we'd been meeting occassionally to talk about what we'd learned from last Winter. Tonight we attended a wine tasting event and upon saying good night ended up kissing (madly and wildly). The next day I would have to tell her about my dozen first dates plan…

All we have to do...

This quote made me laugh and laugh and laugh….

If we are facing the right direction,
All we have to do is keep on walking.

-Ancient Buddhist proverb

the prophet/ laughter and tears

This morning I was searching for a concept about love and relationships and I decided to relook at the book "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran. This is the book we'd read aloud to Robin in her last days. It's a book which I first read almost twenty-five years ago.

I'd always taken the title and the beginning of the story literally. It's a self-described story about a Prophet who has lived in a city for years and is soon to be leaving on a ship which he sees approaching the shore. Before he boards the townspeople ask him to describe what he's learned while he lived in the town.

Well, imagine my surprise when after all these years I finally got the concept that this is the story of the end of one man's life. *REALLY?* All these years I honestly thought it was about a guy leaving his town to sail off to another town. But now I understand the context. Man, I'm just way too literal sometimes!. I should have gotten a clue from this passage, as the ship approaches, the town's priests and priestesses say to Mustapha:

Let not the waves of the sea separate us
now, and the years you have spent in our
midst become a memory.
You have walked among us in spirit, and
your shadow has been a light upon our faces.
Much have we loved you. But speechless
was our love, and with veils has it been
veiled.
Yet it now cries aloud unto you, and
Would stand revealed to you.
And ever has it been that love knows not
Its own depth until the hour of separation.

Hmmm..yeah, come to think of it, the emotion is a little stronger than you'd imagine if you saw your loved one boarding a Princess Cruise! It's moments like these when I'm laughing, and snorting, with tears running down my cheeks as I experience the absurdity of life.

I guess we choose well when we elected to read this book to Robin. :)