The Dance

The more I move through life the more connected things become.

I can't remember when it started to happen but I recall having conversations with Robin about how when we needed something it would appear; when we thought about someone they would call.

If anything, the increasing level of connectedness seemed aligned with an increasing level of openness. A willingness to live with eyes open. A willingness to see the magic in things. A willingness to see things with a bit more of a childlike vision.

People, places, events. So much seems united.

Recently I wondered if I drive this process or does the universe? Then I thought "no, neither of us drives it unilaterally."

Somehow it's more like a slowly evolving dance between two partners. All it seems to require on our side is to be open, to be receptive to the gifts that the universe offers, and to let loose and go with the flow.

Effortlessness

In late February when I'd been feeling a little frustrated about dating I had made a note to remind me that all the little efforts will one day pay off. The note's been on my kitchen counter for about two months and says simply "I can't wait for that next passionate kiss."

Well, I had to smile when I picked up the note this morning and filed it away with other blog notes. For now, dating is going very well. Last night's kiss was *definitely* worth the wait....

At the moment I've met someone and we've had a few fun dates. We seem to have some very similar qualities when it comes to sense of humor, the ability to make observations about our lives, an interest in staying healthy and exercising.

In pretty much all my recent dating history red flags pop up left and right like penalties in a college hockey game. Somehow this isn't happening with my new friend.

It's funny, typically when I meet someone new I tend to think of how my friends will view them. Not so with this person.

All my past dating experience is being put to use in this latest relationship. I remember at one point in time I recognized that I had reached a new level of expertise when I could get dressed for a date without giving it much thought.

Wow. Well, I'm way beyond that now.

With respect to meeting, dating, and evaluating potential compatibility I'm light years ahead of where I was a year ago. Pretty much all the "dating processes" feel like they run without individual attention on my part. Like an apprentice who struggles at first to master the most basic skills these days the basic skills are well honed and seem effortless - my mind is freed up to consider higher level issues.

It's a nice feeling to not need a note on my kitchen counter about *the future* since I'm there.

Warm and Cheery inside

It's been six months since I've had a "steady girlfriend". I've waited to discover what I was going to be learning as I dated during this phase. Now it seems like what I was learning was that I don't have to have someone to complement me - I'm whole just the way I am. After Robin died I thought about how our lives had been like two overlapping spheres. How, when she left, the sphere of my life was shredded. Well, like an elastic soap bubble apparently it's snapped back.

Six months is the longest period I've "been on my own" in over twenty-two years.

Two years is the longest I've lived in a house alone, well...in my whole life.

It seems common that when widow(er)s leave the house to go out they leave lights on, or they leave radios on, or the TV. After all, the house wasn't always dark when getting home late and someone else was there. The house didn't used to be quiet every time you came home, when someone else was there.

It didn't even take an act of rationalization to leave things running when I went out. Leaving things on was obvious. OK, maybe there was a little denial. Oh, I see the kitchen light on but I don't have time to turn it off. Oh, it's just two cents worth of electricity.

The other night I arrived home late after a fun evening with friends at dinner. The house was dark and empty when I pulled into the driveway but it was warm and cheery when I stepped inside.

Successive Approximations

Though I've been dating less frequently, the women I do meet these days are getting to be better-and-better matches. It's becoming rare for me to go out on a date and find we are "definitely not compatible". Instead it's more and more like "ooh - close, but not quite".

In math lingo I seem to be making successive approximations - it's a method used by mathematicians when a single (or multiple simultaneous equations) are difficult to solve logically. The mathematician can make an educated guess about an equation which will solve the problem and see how that compares to the problem. Depending on how close or far off the solution is, the mathematician makes refinements to the guess. It's kind of like learning to throw a Frisbee. The first throw might not make it far enough, the second throw might go over everyone's heads, but the third throw will likely be closer than either of the first two. If you practice throwing a Frisbee enough, eventually it starts hitting its target.

Since I meet potential dates in a variety of ways these days I often have the opportunity to see how an individual interacts with others and how they express themselves before asking them out. This seems to have put a whole different spin on things. Now when I ask someone out, typically I already know them and they already know me. When I get turned down it initially seemed tougher than when the other person was out on the Internet somewhere. But it's getting easier for two reasons: (1) the results are getting better and better, and (2) I understand more clearly that getting turned down has to do more with perceived compatibility (or lack thereof) than being a reflection on me.

Fade to black

I was driving home from the grocery store and I took the long way home because I liked the song that was playing on the radio. It was snowing outside but there were only a couple of inches on the ground so the conditions weren't that bad. I wasn't driving full speed, but I wasn't crawling either.

About a half mile from home there's an S-curve that is a quick right then left. It was hard to see the edge of the road and I steered right just a little too early. The right tire crossed the edge of the pavement and entered the soft shoulder. I steered left and a then little right. The right tire came back onto the pavement but now the car slid out of control into the oncoming traffic. Turning the wheel no longer had any effect. In slow motion I watched the oncoming car headed toward me. I thought, 'well there's nothing I can do now'. Having been in some really tremendous accidents I know this thought, this sense of resolve, this sense of peace.

Just the other day I'd contemplated death and now what? Was some universal power continuing to test my thoughts? Was some universal power having a little joke at my expense?
In the briefest of moments we all came to a stop. Me in my car. The car whose lane I'd penetrated - now about ten feet in front of me, and the car behind him. While his headlights looked normal to me, I’m sure my headlights looked out of place to him in the middle of the road. Then the he began rolling again and pulled around me and kept going. Then the car behind him pulled around me too.

Shouldn't I be shaking with nervousness and adrenaline? Well, that might be coming. I released the brake and started to drive. Forty yards later I stopped and turned around in an intersection. I headed back the other direction. I stopped to see the tracks I left were halfway into this lane. I checked where my right tire had gone off the pavement and it hardly seemed noticeable.

I did have me wondering just what goes through someone's mind when things do go horribly wrong. Not that I don't already have enough data in this area, but it seems like probably it's a normal day, the music is playing, thoughts are on something to happen that evening, or next week. Then a moment of "oh, there's nothing else I can do" then fade to black.

Universe in Sync

Two weeks ago I told Alex about my solo attempts to learn dancing. He went on to suggest that there are social clubs where one can sign up for a dance lesson and it's typically followed by an open dance period for attendees.

Today a woman indicated an interest in meeting for a date. She noted that recently she simply wanted to meet someone who was interested in practicing swing dancing, but because she thought I seemed interesting she'd make an exception and would to go on a date with me.

I love when the universe is in sync...

Pre-Dawn and Dying

I woke early and thought it was time to get up. I looked at the clock and realized the sun wouldn't rise for another couple of hours. My mind drifted and I had a single passing thought.

I thought "one day the sun will rise and I will no longer be here".

There was no sadness to it. There was no fear to it.

It seemed I was OK with it.

Then I considered the thought.

Then I considered where it came from.

Then I thought about how my past response to such a thought would have been different.

I've never viewed Life and Death as clearly as I do now.

In the past when I reflected on Death my thoughts seemed filled with fear and apprehension.

An unwillingness to Believe.

Now I Believe.

Well……more than believing.

now I Know.

Knowing frees the mind from Uncertainty.

An objective view simplifies things. Fears and anxieties still appear in daily life but now rather than causing elevated blood pressure my mind sees them. My mind thinks about the thoughts. My mind discards some and nurtures others.

I see that most fearful and apprehensive feelings come from recesses of my mind which are not accessible to my thoughts.

It is possible my mind has achieved freedom from itself.