It's about how and if you truly were ever alive

Dr. Jerri Nielsen FitzGerald was working at the South Pole when she first diagnosed herself with Breast Cancer in 1999. Researchers stationed at the South Pole through the Winter months are completely isolated from the world - the weather prohibits access by any type of transportation (sea or air). She self-treated her condition until a National Guard C-130 rescued and removed her very early in the Spring when the temperatures had risen to 58 degrees below zero. Coincidently, I had the opportunity to meet the National Guard Colonel who piloted the mission and hear his first hand telling of the rescue story.

Dr. Fitzgerald died yesterday after a recurrence of her cancer in 2005.

"More and more as I am here and see what life really is, I understand that it is not when or how you die but how and if you truly were ever alive," she wrote in an e-mail to her parents in June, 1999 from the South Pole.

Funny

Well, I had fun writing the last entry. Don't know why it brought instant tears to my eyes when I finished and went to click the "post the entry" button....

Rolling off the top...TP evolution

On January 14, 2007, soon after Robin had enrolled in hospice, I described a running joke she and I had about the proper way to mount toilet paper - should it have the paper rolling off the top, or the paper rolling off the bottom. At the time, all the visitors in the house were mounting it the wrong way! I concluded the blog entry by noting that in the future I thought I'd keep mounting TP with the paper rolling off the bottom - this would be one of those little habits that, well, kept a connection going.

Fast forward - two years later, in January 2009, I was visiting a friend in San Diego. I needed to mount a roll of toilet paper at her house and at first I mounted it in the way too which I am accustomed. Then I thought "that's silly, it's not even my house" and I flipped it so the paper rolled off the top. Then I changed my mind again, and I flipped the roll again. So what if my friend had never known Robin. So what if she thinks I mounted it upside down! When the paper is rolling off the bottom it just feels right.

Then to the present month. I've been in a steady relationship for quite some time now. It happened that I needed to mount a roll of toilet paper at my friend's house. I took off the empty tube and mounted the role my way. Then I thought "that looks silly" and I mounted it the way she does with the paper rolling off the top. I thought, "that looks OK".

Then to the present day. Last night my friend asked where I stash the toilet paper supply and I noted it's in the upstairs hall closet. Then this morning I noticed a roll of toilet paper, in my house, mounted with the paper rolling off the top.

I laughed lightly and I thought "you know that looks sensible".

And I left it that way.

Model Reconstruction

I was visiting my friend Deb in May and we were talking about the models that humans develop about how the world operates. The models are so much a part of ourselves, part of our lives, part of how we act and interact with others; that most of us are not even aware that these models exist nor that they drive our interactions with the world.

Each of us is born into this world in a different place and we all have different experiences. Some grow up in cold climates, some in warm. Some in places that are lush, some in places that are barren. Some are picked up and held all the time as babies, some not so much. Some of us have positive experiences in relationships by giving all of ourselves, some of us receive positive feedback in relationships when we hold more back.

Though I haven't researched it, I suspect that "brainwashing" is the process of taking a person, locking them in a room and breaking down everything they've ever believed. By pounding an individual with messages that break down the models; by stripping down the beliefs that have been developed over the course of a lifetime - the captor psychologically strips away the individual's concept of how the world works. Thus making the individual ripe for the insinuation a new model.

Over the Winter is was occurring to me that after Robin's death my disorientation had a lot to do with the destruction of most of models. Over twenty years I'd developed seemingly secure models of how to achieve success in life, in love and in relationships. And all these models were predicated on the belief in "Happily Ever After".

But after Robin was gone I could no longer believe in the past models. The "Happily Ever After" was no longer an option. The models had proven false. What was there to believe in anymore in this world? The process wasn't obvious at the time. It has become more and more clear over time. I guess it's part of my new, evolving model. :) The affect of models show itself occasionally. In thoughts like, "What if this person I'm dating gets cancer?" Thoughts about how "Relationships can't last forever". Even if I were to enter one that lasts 45 years - still one of us is likely to depart this world before the other.

When I look back at the last two years I see myself as having gone through a reconstruction from the ground up. Testing new ideas, exploring new approaches, giving new meaning to my actions and the actions of others. Among my greatest "new strengths" is the ability to see what I'm doing, make observations about my actions, and modify my behavior as desired. These days I'm working with new models which substantially change how I live life - but more importantly I understand that I'm constructing the models, and over time I have a new found abilityto review the models and change the aspects that I deem ineffective.

Just the other day I thought back to a quote in Lance Armstrong's book about being a cancer survivor: //"I had received an e-mail from a military guy stationed in Asia. He was a fellow cancer patient, and he wanted to tell me something. "You don't know it yet," he wrote, "but we're the lucky ones."//

Well, I didn't have cancer and I didn't survive cancer, but I've received gifts and powers that I never could have imagined. Each day is more important. Each relationship more meaningful. Each moment more precious.

Movin' On

For the past five to six weeks, every trash day I've been loading up the city trash can with useless stuff from around the house. Emptying out drawers full of junk which haven't seen the light of day in years. Emptying out cupboards in the basement with junk that's rested in place for over a decade. If two people are doing serious cleaning I think it's harder to throw stuff out. When a single person is doing the task it's much more expeditious!

I'm feeling a little blue again today. Gramsy's funeral is tomorrow, she died Wednesday. I've made enormous progress in cleaning the house but today's cleaning while feeling blue is different. Today I started going through old binders. I shreded all the medical info we'd compiled when Robin was ill. I shredded old bank statements. I shredded cancelled checks from the 1980's. What was I doing holding on to all this stuff?

I went through bookshelves. Robin had at least two dozen books related to massage and energy healing. I called the local massage school and asked if they had a library which could use books. The person replied that they couldn't give me much in the way of compensation, but that the books would be put to good use. I replied that "putting them to good use was my goal - and no compensation was desired." I set aside a few books that I thought looked useful for me and I put the rest in a box and carted it over to the school. The receptionist was thankful for the donation. I didn't feel the need to tell her who I was or why I should be dropping off some many brand-new looking books. Robin knows they're going to be put to good use and that's good enough for me.

In cleaning up I came across a huge box of old photos. I don't know how we did this before the digital age. Undated photos flowing over the edges of the box. Packets of photos mis-mashed. I started sorting though and tossing the "mistake" photos - like when you're finger is half covering the lens. Of all the cleaning I've done this is the first time it's brought tears to my eyes. I can't believe how young we used to look. It's amazing to see her face charged with smiles, over and over again.

I consider that if someone were witnessing the last month's progress they'd think I was getting to ready to Move Out. I'm really not planning on going anywhere physically, but part of me feels like it's begun to Move On.

Socks Off

The last few days while driving I've been catching songs on the radio like "Live Like You Were Dying". This portion of the message resonates pretty deeply with me these days. e.g.:

"And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter, And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying."

Today as I walked from the car to the house I looked down the street and saw children playing. I stopped on my front porch and texted Dawn "(Smooch)". A few minutes later when I check e-mail it appears that at the same instant I was texting her, she was sending me an e-mail. Coincidence? Nah, this stuff happens all the time. For the past ten years (for the most part) I've lived the life of Wu Wei - go with the flow - and not only have positive things come my way, but there's a synchronicity about events. I've been dating Dawn for three months now and she's found the same type of synchronicity beginning to happen in her life. Whether she attributes it to being around me she doesn't say, actually though, I think it's something that begins to happen when you start to radiate an energy of happiness and acceptance.

I haven't written much about this most recent relationship. I'd made a few notes in March but then held off. Back then I had been interested in knowing: (1) what would I be like in a new relationship, and (2) what depth of connection would I find with another person. Even with the the Wei Wu attitude, I'm surprised at how well things are going. I recall at one point telling friends that the word 'soulmate' seems one dimensional when I think about how well Dawn and I relate. For a guy who had become so judgmental about what he didn't want in a relationship, and who'd become so selective about who he'd even date twice - this experience has knocked my socks off.