Somewhat of a mystery

My brother-in-law's father passed away this past week. The wake was today in Massachusetts. I guess thoughts of "attending a wake" were overridden with thoughts of "wanting to see Bob" (my brother-in-law) and family. In some way I also thought it's probably time to start attending these events. In a few years the folks my age will be the "older generation". On top of that, I figured the universe is going to keep throwing opportunities my way until I wake up and accept them. No sense in more people having to die, just for me to have these opportunities!

On the drive over I heard the song "unwritten" again. It just seems to remind me that everyday, in every choice we make we're creating our present and our future. The past really doesn't really define where we're going next. That grieving feeling came back again and memories and images of last year popped in and out of my head. Maybe if I'd participated more in the rituals of death over the years I would have had a slightly different perspective with Robin. It probably wouldn't have been easier, but it might have been different..

I had asked a bunch of questions ahead of time so I'd have some idea what to expect today. I guess my memory as a kid had been that a wake was held in dimly lit rooms where people talked in low voices and whispers. Today was much different. The sun was shining. People chatted in small groups about memories that they had about Don. There was sadness and happiness. Family members who hadn't seen each other in years had a chance to catch up.

After some time our family group went up to pay our respects to Pat, the woman who was now a widow. We talked as a group for a few minutes and then she moved back to the front of the room, looking down on her husband. Without a thought, I went and joined her at the casket. I explained that I'd lost my wife last year and that I had some sense what she was going through. We each put a hand on Don's arm and she talked about him. At the time it felt like we were the only two in the room who knew what this was like. We talked about the experience of being widowed and I mentioned the comfort I'd found in being able to meet and talk with folks in the same situation.

For the first time in a long time I felt like I’d found a place where the label "widow" meant that I had something to offer, instead of just being the guy who lost his wife. I had a year behind me, but I knew some of the struggles which Pat would face. As with all the widows I'd met to date we all experience things differently but there are also similarities in the experience. The one thing we share is the knowledge of what this experience is like. It must seem like a mystery to those who have only heard about it, and honestly it even feels like somewhat of a mystery for those of us who have become widows and widowers.