Reflective Day

Well, so today is the anniversary date. I did receive a few cards about the anniversary. Talking to folks I get the feeling that people didn't want to bring it up because they thought it might make me feel bad. Well, um, it's not like a widow(er) might just forget the anniversary. I know it's better for me to talk about things. I don't think you'd ever make a widow(er) feel worse than they do already. Maybe it would help a little for them to know that you are aware and that you care. Of course, my family rallied around and didn't shy away from the topic which just reminds me how great they've been.

I spent the morning with my friend Deirdre having coffee. We talked about what's going on in our current lives. Then we spent time talking about Robin and how she always seemed to have a mischievous sparkle in her eye. We laughed, we cried, we both got some relief. Deirdre's partner has been going through chemo and radiation treatments this year, so it's been a tough time for them.

On the way home I stopped to get a get a drawing pad because I felt like drawing diagrams again. Something that represented what my present life was like. The office supply store was right next to a "Panera's Bread" so I took my new drawing pad and pens and went in for lunch. I sat in one of the comfy chairs - the type of chair you might find in a living room.

After eating lunch I drew my "bubble" again and drew other bubbles showing where my present life intersects with other people's and with the activities that I like to do. Then I started making notes about what I'd like to find in a partner, I drew a timeline of memories of my life and relationships which I'd been in along the way. I made a list of items representing "what did that time with Robin mean to me?" I wondered if she got accomplished what she needed to and was that why it was time for her to go? She basically had said that to me - that she'd lived a good life and felt loved and although she'd rather stay, if she had to go then it was going to be OK. We sure learned a lot about each other and about ourselves along the way.

I thought about the effects that becoming a widower had on me and came up with a few things:

-I seem a lot less focused on attaining some future goal, and more focused on the present.
-I have a new understanding of the word "meaninglessness" which I gained last Spring.
-I have a completely different view about living and dying. Seeing someone die in front of your eyes is wholly different from seeing someone alive one day and then seeing their body at a wake another day.
-I have different views on "purpose", though I haven't sorted them all out yet
-I still feel a lack of stability in my life
-I lack a belief in "forever". Alex says "of course the meaning of forever" is changed for me, because what I believed about "forever" has been disproved.
-I feel pickier about with whom I am going to have a relationship in the future.
-I feel like I'm looking for something more (what does that mean?)
-I feel like I gained some wisdom though what it's about eludes me.

Among the widow(er) population I find there are several common themes expressed, some which resonate with me, and some that do not:

-a sense of abandonment - "he/she left me"
-a fear of future loss (what about the next person in my life)
-guilt, did I somehow contribute to his/her death by not noticing a sign or symptom, or by once wishing the person would go away?
-regret, what could I have done differently?
-"they got it easier than me" - their pain and suffering ended when they left.

All the time I was writing and drawing I watched groups of people arrive, eat lunch, and depart. I practiced passing flirtatious glances at women. I thought, this is a lot different from what I expected today to be like.

By the evening time I thought about what a day this has been. It seems like the last couple of weeks were more stressful for me than today. I'm glad that I set aside specific time to be by myself and time to be with others. I considered what a good sign it was for me to have spent the day thinking about my past life with Robin and about my future.

Oddly, I still can never think about "my future" without recognizing that I have no idea how much time I have left here - maybe a week, maybe fifty years…