Pendulum swings

Last weekend I returned from visit to my sister Kim’s place in Kansas. Dad and I visited the family for fourth of July week! Upon returning I spent a few quiet evenings doing not much of anything. I got the sense that I’ve been going in cycles since February. After Robin died I spent a couple weeks with Dad and then returned home and didn’t do much of anything for about six weeks. Many evenings were just spent laying on the couch watching television. For a long period of time I didn’t read e-mail or listen to the answering machine. When I got out of the funk it took a while to catch up with the world again.

Then I got very busy and I was never home. There were weeks when I wouldn’t arrive home until after 9pm. I’d be eating dinner by 10pm and going to bed after 1am. The “busy backsoon” periods. After a while I went back to seclusion for a period of time.

This past week I got the sense that I’ve been going through these cycles between being home alone and being out with folks. It’s been like a swinging pendulum, but the duration of each extremes has been getting shorter. Also the experiences are changing – when I am alone around the house I’m starting to be a little more productive. And when I’m with other folks there’s a lot less chatter in my head - I’m able to be more “present”.

The best news is that recently there are periods where I feel some sense of “normalcy”. It still feels like I’ve landed in some alternate universe where everything is inside-out and upside-down, but I have moments in which it feels like things are going to be OK.