Bargaining?
While I haven't paid much attention to the Kubler-Ross stages of grieving (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance) I did feel very much like I was bargaining today. I was thinking, "What would I give to have Robin back for two weeks?" What if I could choose to have her back but it meant joining her on the other side at the end of the fourteen days?
Then I thought "No need to dwell on that since it's not really possible…" Whew!
posted by Building_in_NY @ 11:18 PM
1 Comments:
Greg,
Grieving is dynamic - it has it's own "life-cycle."
There are so many aspects (roles) of your relationship with Robin that you will grieve and perhaps not even be aware of the "why" you find yourself laughing and crying for some time to come.
Examples: you are no longer a husband, a lover, a best friend, a playmate, a provider, a caregiver, a biking/traveling/adventure-seeking partner, a sounding-board, a wish granter, an errand-runner. And surely many more. Did Kubler-Ross give grieving a timeline? No!! your heart, your head, your body and your soul are grieving and will grieve the loss of all the wonderful roles you were provided with by being alive with Robin.
I'd like to share an example from my grief journey after my mother died, July 12, 2005. She was 82 and we had shared supper just 4 days before. She walked the long distance to the community dining room and back to her apartment, taking the elevator rather than the stairs. Who would even think she was starting her own natural dying process?!!
Suffice it to say, I was able to be with her in the ICU, and grant her last wish of not being kept on life-support. She had been put on a respirator in the ER and I had to stop it and have the breating tube removed. She knew who I was when she opened her eyes so I asked here if she still wanted to have it removed. She tipped her chin toward her chest and I confirmed she was agreeing with her previous decision. After it was all removed, I stroked her hair and said, Now doesnt that feel better? She turned toward me, gave a weak smile, but her eyes were dancing, sparkling brilliantly with "Thank you and I love you."
I had just sold my condo and had to have it all cleared out by July 31st. I also had to have my mothers apartment cleared out by July 31st. PLUS relocate. I had very few private moments to grieve. I would burst into sobbing tears when i would see the packers reach for "something special" to pack. They didn't have a clue so I would have to tell them.
My grieving was sporadic.
The following May (2006), my sister called and asked what we were going to do on Mother's Day. In a heart beat I was livid! With the roar of an angry animal, I spat back with "what do you mean what are we going to do on Mother's Day?? We don't have a mother any more so what is there to celebrate??" and hung up. I walked around the house angrily yelling at God, my mother, my sister and me for quite a while. When i was composed again I had the Ah Ha thought that I had landed right in the middle of the "Anger." You see, I was no longer a daughter, I no longer had parents, I was an orphan. The thoughts of "celebrating" these losses made me angry. I had never considered any of this.
Like you, I was journaling, only in a hardbound journal. When I look back at my writings about that angry time, the handwriting has a harsh quality to it, The pages are indented from the pressure I had on the pen, I had mispelled words which I obliterated. It was about a month before my handwriting returned to normal.
This year on Mother's Day, I planned a feast day in honor of Mother and shared it with my husband and sister. We spoke easily about the good times with Mom and even what about her we missed the most. No tears, no choking up, just a warmth from the smiles seemed to settle over me.
And for now I think I know what acceptance feels like.
Be gentle with your self, Greg. There are no time-lines or milestones for this journey.
Thanks for letting me share.
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