Chimes singing with the wind

It's amazing how the crying comes and goes. It's been explained to me by many people, many times, that grieving is like an uphill journey. Every once in a while the road takes a dip downward again (more crying), but then it climbs some more (things get better). The uphill (and upbeat) periods become longer as one slowly reconnects to the world.

It used to be a combination of crying, fear and emptiness all at the same time - mourning for Robin and for the part of me that's died. With no children I pretty much lost my entire family when Robin left. It was worst the first six weeks or so. Then out of nowhere I started to feel occasionally like I had a personality again. I didn't know I had lost my personality. During those first six weeks it was like I had no walls between me and the world - no boundaries. I was just in the moment feeling raw and wounded. I didn't realize how intense it was or how much of "me" was missing until an "I" began to emerge. Kind of like a computer reboot. Beginning in an initial state of nothingness, not even being aware that there was an "I" inside.

Luckily it's evolved to more or less crying without a sense of fear, and a less strong sense of loss. Well, I guess it's more sobbing than crying. Hot tears running down my cheeks, a quick breath-out and then stuttered breathing in. I can't remember the last time I'd cried before Robin got sick - it was years and years. I guess there is balance in the universe, because it feels like I have had ten years worth of tears in the past ten months.

There's no timetable to it. These days the crying starts out of nowhere and then subsides pretty quickly. I'm so used to it that I can even continue typing or talking while the tears roll down.

In the beginning I kept pretty sheltered. Never answered a ringing telephone. I always took days to reply to e-mails. Since I've gotten my personality back I started to answer the phone again and I've cleaned up the backlog of e-mails.

It helps that Spring is emerging… A friend had given Robin a set of outdoor chimes last year. I've hung them back outside recently. It makes me think of Robin when I hear them ringing.