Robin gets more chemo (long)

Bear with me here for a moment. I've got this weak feeling in my knees. It was two weeks ago today they called to cancel Robin's surgery. I had the same weak-knee feeling that night, but it was even more intense. After Robin and I had a long talk on the couch about the surgery cancellation I had asked if she wanted to go outside for a walk. But then I tried to stand and my legs wouldn't lift my butt off of the couch. I physically could not stand. I told her, "I guess that a walk wasn't such a good idea at the moment."

Thoughts are swirling in my head about our first visits to New York City back in August. The doctor's office is right at Union Square Park on 14th street. I remember walking through the park with Robin at noontime to go see the doctors. I was protecting a large portfolio under my arm which contained her initial MRI, CT-scans, and PET scan. I started looking at all the people swirling around us - going to lunch, going to work, thinking about what they had to do in the next hour, the next day, what they would do for dinner that night. I remember thinking "Don't these people know that they could die at any time? This could be their last day and they don't even know it yet? How could their thoughts be focused on such mundane things?"

That night two weeks ago on the couch I said to Robin "I was worried she could die". Her matter-of-fact response was "We're all going to die, that's what the human lifecycle is about." Wow - stopped me in my tracks, how could I respond to that?

Anyway, enough beating around the bush. We saw the doctor today. She went over the results of both tests. She actually took a little extra time getting to us because she went to the radiology department to view the CT images with her own eye.

The MRI of Robin's spine and pelvis - well, it showed damage on the inside of her bones. The damage wasn't at several specific points, it was in lines, up and down the inside of the bone.

The CT scan of Robin's liver - well, it shows multiple nodules just the like the PET-CT scan from two weeks ago. Unfortunately the nodules have doubled in size in the past 14 days. Two weeks ago the largest one was one-half inch across - so now it's more than an inch in diameter. Anyway, they won't be needing a biopsy of the tissue from her liver, because nothing normal grows *that* fast.

The doctor said she would understand if Robin didn't want chemo. Robin chose to pursue the chemo which will be eight treatments over about a six month period (so she'll receive the drugs every 21 days).

I asked if there would then be a break before Robin could receive the treatment again. The doctor noted that one of the drugs is toxic to the heart muscle, so there is a "lifetime" limit which any one person could receive, therefore Robin could never receive that drug again.

Having said that, the doctor stated to Robin, my Dad and I - "I'll be the fourth happiest person in the room if Robin can make it that far". Essentially, the cancer is so aggressive, the doctor doesn’t expect Robin to even complete the eight treatments.

I asked. "Is there some path we could expect here? Will more metastases appear over time? Will the current metastases grow in size over time?". The doctor's reply was "You know there are only about thirty total journal articles about this disease. [since 1985] There's no way to know and nothing I can predict."

Well, so Robin got her chemo today and we'll go back tomorrow for her to get some IV fluids for hydration.

Then we'll see what happens next…

I don't know how we get through this. I don't know how anybody gets through this. As far as I can tell we just soldier on day-to-day.

Last week after the doctor's visit when we learned that metastases were "really bad news", I remember saying to Robin in the car afterwards "there's nothing more they can say that will scare us anymore".

As the fog clears from my brain I'm already thinking of things I need to get done today and tomorrow…. I wonder if Dad has got any ideas for dinner tonight?

(BTW - Robin still has her sense of humor, but more on that later...)