Happy Birthday

Today was Robin's Birthday. Seeking some connection I sing out loud, soft and low "Happy Birthday".

I sing it straight up - no funny kid variations like "you look like a monkey and you smell like one two". Yes, the thought to sing a variation actually goes through my head, but I quash the impulse.

Then I thank her for all the gifts I have received...

Emancipation vs. Freedom

Emancipation - the act or process of emancipating
Main Entry: eman·ci·pate
Pronunciation: \i-ˈman(t)-sə-ˌpāt\
Function: transitive verb
1: to free from restraint, control, or the power of another ; especially : to free from bondage
3: to free from any controlling influence (as traditional mores or beliefs)


Main Entry: free·dom
Pronunciation: \ˈfrē-dəm\
Function: noun
Date: before 12th century
1: the quality or state of being free: as e: the quality of being frank, open, or outspoken


Over the years I thought I had gained a modicum of control over my own mind, however it wasn't until I submitted to the grieving process that I achieved emancipation from my own stream of consciousness. On August 24th 2007 I wrote about "The Silent Watcher". I'd become aware of a part of my mind which could observe the thoughts in my head and yet could remain detached and neutral. This was the point of emancipation. Like a freed slave, my mind was given permission to take a walk. To explore outside the previously imposed intellectual and emotional boundaries. At the time the event itself felt like the whole payoff.

However stunning was the "gift of realization", I did not understand at the time that the true depth of its impact could not be comprehended until later when the heart and soul actually experience freedoms. Most stunningly, now in relationships I find an ever increasing payback for just being myself. When fear intrudes on my thoughts I'm able to laugh it off knowing that I've faced deeper fears and they did not destroy me.

The sense of "experiencing Freedom" still comes as a welcome surprise. In retrospect, what slave on the first day of his emancipation could immediately know the freedom associated with owning his own property, voting for his representatives - even being the elected leader of his people? What had been viewed as a simple one-time gift has turned into the catalyst for an ever increasing richness in my life.

Arms at your side, eyes closed, and Falling

Few are so privileged as to see a person live life and die on their own terms.

She and I took turns showing each other what we knew about life. Slowly, over time, showing each other a little more what we knew about ourselves. Slowly, over time, learning to trust each other. There's a trust building exercise in which a person is asked to close their eyes and fall backwards into another person's waiting arms.

While we had learned to do this with each other, we also learned to do it with our lives. Time and time again the universe brought us gifts. Seemingly small rewards for our faith, for trusting. For putting our arms at our sides, closing our eyes and committing ourselves. Coincidence and miracles became common place - yet still retained their magic. Everything worked out in the best way, the way things were meant to be.

I don't know for sure which gave Robin more resolve in the end. Was it that she'd learned so well to trust in life's journey, or was it that the blessings had been so bountiful that it would have seemed unfair for her to ask for more? Throughout her illness she and I continued to adapt, continued to allow life to shape us, continued to find the strength that can only come from unrelenting faith.

When she was gone I found a world of meaninglessness, a world of grief awaiting me. With nothing left to do I put my arms at my sides and closed my eyes. Alone in my ritual, I ever so slowly let myself fall into the chasm of Grief. The process of falling then was easy. After all, there was nothing left to lose. There was nothing left to fear. There was no depth of grieving or rebirth that could unhinge me. There was nothing left of me except The Faith.

These days I find myself once again experiencing an overabundance of joy and good fortune. It seems comical that I could have needed a reminder last Winter to trust that something better was on its way. All will be revealed in due time.

I knew there would be much to learn when I finally met someone who intrigued me. Someone with whom I could again explore the meaning of relationships. An environment in which there would be opportunities to learn about me, and to learn about another. I knew that there would be effort involved, but I didn't realize that with trusting myself some aspects could be so "easy".

Each day I awake and I do it again. Now with a smile on my lips and a song in my heart I place my hands by my sides, I close my eyes and I gently let myself fall.

Each time I Fall I seem to get a little bit closer to Oneness.

Oneness with the Universe...

Oneness with myself...

Oneness with the ones I love...


-----------------------

The other day as my friend and I walked the path together, I was asked to describe myself with one word.

The first word that popped into my head was "happy". The second *word* was "Faith-full". I offered to state the first thing that had popped into my head, though once I did it became clear to me that happiness was a byproduct, since the "Faith-full" resonated so strongly with my core.

May you continue to feel that way

I remember the first time I dropped into the warm Caribbean waters over a coral reef. I was perplexed. I was amazed. I was stunned. I was suddenly immersed in a fantasy world of brilliant colors, of thousands of fish swarming. Some content to sit still. Others darting at impossible speeds as if their lives depended on it (and possibly they did). The brilliant colors were too fantastic to have been engineered. Here God had taken a day off from the deep greens, blues and browns of ordinary life. On the day he created the reefs he laughed, he chortled, he was gay with delight and whimsy. Rather than the sublime majesty of the mountains and the sea, here he painted with a frenzy of unanticipated joy. The fish had been splattered with neon yellow, comical orange, brash red and brilliant blue!

Words from the SCUBA instructors echoed in my head - breathe, don't forget to breathe.

How could I have been immersed so abruptly into this unknown environ? At what instant had I recognized that my perspective had been so altered - when my eyes passed the water's surface? When my entire body had been fully enveloped by the salty sea? I couldn't recall the instant that everything had changed. I was rapidly losing my ability to recall what my model of the world had been just a few minutes ago. The frenetic action, the color, the mystique before my eyes asserting itself on my sensory systems, drowning out the ability to think clearly.

breathe.

breathe.

Barely able to process any thoughts in my reverie, I momentarily wondered. "How come no one else knows about this?"; "I really need to get out and tell a friend what's down here."; "Well, maybe later. First there's something over there that I want to go see."

-------

and she said "it just seems too good to be true".

and he paused. maybe not long enough to be noticed.

as he was wont to do, he selected his words with precision.

and he said with a smile "may you continue to feel that way".

Dawn's arrival

It took some time before my eyes adjusted to the darkness.
By then the night had become familiar.
Weariness of the journey had ceded to calm.
Calm gave way to curiosity.
Sparkling stars shone in the sky.
Varying degrees of brightness.
None close enough to yield warmth.
A lonely moon, a shooting star.
Then, every so slowly the show began its retreat.
The Eastern sky beginning to glow.
Foretelling the promise of Spring.