I don't know?

Well, as usual I thought about my answer "I don't know" from the January 24th blog entry, as I was driving last week. "I don't know" why I could be feeling so sensitive that day in Bennington, Vermont? During the day at the slopes I had thought about how this place used to be a favorite place for Robin and I to ski. As I drove out and back I had thought about how Robin and I had driven this route before. Well, so maybe (as usual) the intensity of the feeling was related to things I was thinking about that day. The realization made me smile and laugh out loud.

I also knew the two-year anniversary of her death was coming up. I don't seem hung up on the concept logically, but something emotional seems to be attached to it - to a specific day, to a specific time. Funny, last Fall I had an event in which I saw something and thought "Robin would have thought that was funny." It was different in that it seemed like the logical and emotional sides of my brain were finally in alignment that day. All together they thought about her in the past tense, and it all seemed in tune. Somewhere inside there was the recognition that Robin existed in the past and was no longer here. But that day in Bennington different parts of the brain were activating. Parts that still hadn't acknowledged, or wouldn't let go of her. If that's the case, then for how long do those feelings persist?

Today I went flying and as I was putting the plane away I was not feeling my usual chipper self. I was actually feeling down. Where did that come from? Well, technically I do think of today as the anniversary of her death. Screw dates, Sunday evening after Valentine's Day is when she died, so that's today. Jonathan called earlier and I really didn't feel like calling back, but I knew it would help. We talked for an hour and a half. Part way through we talked about Robin and reminisced about funny things she said/did. When we both started crying I referred to Mike Meyer's Saturday Night Live character on "Coffee Talk". I said "I'm verklempt, talk amongst yourselves". We both had to laugh at that.

It was good to share some time. I noted that I was going to order out for dinner. I got Mexican, Carne Asada. Usually quite spicy and flavorful meat, plus spicy exotic salsa! Tonight the meat tasted like leather. The salsa tasted watered down. I ate twice as food much as I normally could. I drank twice as much wine as I normally would. Nothing seemed to make even a dent in the void I was feeling.