Intensely Alive

Today I skied at Mt. Snow with some friends. We had different schedules for the evening so I'd followed them up in my car. I left early and on the way home I was driving through Bennington, Vermont and had just stopped at a red light when my iPod started to play the song "Feels so Good" by Chuck Mangione, master of the flugelhorn (think 'oversize trumpet').

There's a minute and a half intro that's often not played on the radio. It's a slow, mournful horn solo preceding the upbeat, joyful rhythm for which the song is known. The first three notes of the solo take six seconds. By the time he's played the eighth note I've got a smile on my face and tears running down my cheeks. They're still running ninety seconds later when the fading horn is overpowered by the introduction of a sizzling guitar riff and then the upbeat rythym of percussion instruments.

What just happened? I don't know, but I don't worry about it. I don't having the grieving feeling that I used to have but on very rare occasions I seem stunned by the beauty of things. I always felt I had a knack for appreciating nature's wonder - a colorful sunset, a roaring brook. Now there's an emotional side of me that can just rise to the surface and bare itself. It feels like being intensely alive. Intensely connected to everything. I wouldn't trade the feeling for anything. It seems like a privilege earned through battle.

New Construction

Locally, an area of main street recently went thru a construction boom starting in August when several houses and a business office were razed along a one hundred yard stretch. A month after the construction began I was in a liquor store across the street picking up a couple bottles of wine and asked the fellow at the checkout what was going up? A new hotel was beginning construction. Well, there was no more mystery after that.

A month later four houses on the other side of the street were demolished. I was getting my haircut later that week and folks were chatting about the new construction, so I asked what was going up? A new drugstore. Actually there's been a drugstore two doors down for fifteen years now but the retailer felt the need to put up a big box so as soon as the new construction is done the old store will be torn down.

Further down the street there's a small one-story building that's been a mom-and-pop store as long as I've been here, twenty-eight years (holy cow!) Originally it was a neighborhood grocery store that sold a variety of items but I pretty much knew them for donuts, pastries and the occasionally lottery ticket. About fifteen years ago the business was sold to a new family and became an Asian food store. They continued to sell lottery tickets and eventually added oddball things like cheap wristwatches and knick-knacks. The building was fairly small - the rear of it was brick and the front was covered in siding.

In late September the small mom-and-pop looked like it had finally met its fate as demolition crews came in - but the deconstruction seeming to be going very slowly. The roof came off quickly, the front was torn off. Soon it became obvious that care was being taken to preserve the brick. About the third week it became obvious that the demolition had stopped and rebuilding was beginning to occur. The first floor was framed out from the remaining brick walls. Soon a second floor was being raised, then plywood sheathing put up for the walls. Siding has recently gone on.

What's the mom-and-pop store evolving into? I haven't a clue. I decided early on I didn't want to know.

The new big drugstore is complete outside and now they're working on the inside. The hotel looks maybe oine third complete. There's equipment parked all around the properties. I never really seem to see anyone around doing work. When I drive by the sites both look dirty and industrial. All I ever wonder when I see these buildings is "when are they going to be done?"

On the other hand the mom-and-pop store's metamorphosis is nearly complete! Lately the construction crew has been painting the inside. Each day I drive by and I contemplate all the things it could turn into: a realty office? a grocery store? a coffee shop? I wonder if the owners are doing most of the work themselves. Each day is a fresh idea, a different twist. I never get bored driving past the establishment. I'm *really* glad I don't know what it's becoming. No need to rush things. It's place and purpose will be revealed in due time.

Dating analysis or "how I spent the three day weekend"

I spent the weekend on the West coast visiting a friend I'd met last Fall (see new entries for Nov 7th and 15th 2008). I was with a woman who I had "fallen in love with" the first time I met her!

Turns out she's doesn't have any solid plans for returning to the East coast after all, but she was kind enough to invite me out for the weekend. Little did she (or I) know how much I'd learn from the visit.

Just another example of how ironic things are - I bought an iPod last week and loaded it with podcasts (audio recordings - like radio programs) to listen to on the long flight. Of course there turned out to be a podcast about relationships and the phenomenon of "falling in love". :)

Julie and I spent the weekend hiking, going out to eat and meeting a friend of hers Saturday night. I'm always amazed when I hang out with two people who have been friends for some time and as I ask questions and learn about one person the other person is amazed at all the things they never knew about their friend. Go figure.

The number one lesson I learned over the weekend is that it's possible to talk about and set interpersonal boundaries and feel good about them. We agreed to "be friends" right off the bat but it didn't preclude us from talking all about relationships and from considering that maybe something would evolve between us in the future. Somehow in the past my models for relationships were limited to (1) only being friends, or (2) dating. I'm not even sure what the "dating" model is except it always makes me wonder what type of kissing is appropriate/acceptable. ;) I was excited to find that Julie knew all the same dating lingo that Alex has taught me - for instance if two people are dating they should "check-in with each other" every few dates and see if their expectations are "tracking each other", i.e. are they developing interest at the same rate.

Well, so the other thing I accomplished for the weekend was putting a damper on the feelings of "falling in love". I've gotten pretty good at analyzing a dating partner's strengths and weaknesses in a dinner date or two - imagine how productive I can be after spending three days with someone! Of course, I couldn't say I wouldn't have tried to make it work if she had been interested (smile) but she definitely didn't have the same degree of interest - we weren't tracking very closely. :)

Perfect for someone!

Lately it occurs to me that much as I feel that not everyone is a match for me, I'm also not a match for just any woman. We've all got our own personal ideas, concepts, biases about what our significant other will be like. Whereas I tend to be picky about whom I'll meet for a second (or third) date, I have occasionally met women whom I think would be a great match but they don't feel the same way. No worries. I know how picky I am, I'd be wary if my match wasn't just as discriminating. My goal is to eventually be in a healthy relationship and I'm hoping to meet women with the same goal. We don't have to be perfect for every person, just for one.

Navigating the shoals

Sometime after Robin died I asked Alex what's the therapy routine - would I see him for six months, a year? Would I always see him every week or would it evolve to monthly?

I never could have imagined that I could have seen him for two years and still have something to talk about. I think in all this time I've only shown up twice feeling like there wasn't anything to talk about and yet there was still plenty to discuss. The schedule has varied - sometimes going once a month and then going back to every other week.

He recently commented that in the time I've seen him I have accomplished more than many folks accomplish in ten years. Was that a comment on the effort that's been put forth - or a comment on how nuts I was when I first entered his office? No, I really did take it as a compliment! :)

Though I'm very confident these days in my assessment of potential relationships my thoughts are still occasionally led astray by old habits. It doesn't take much prompting from Alex to know when I'm looking at a dead end. In fact, I now occasionally hear his questions in my head when I'm trying to evaluate a situation objectively. I feel like the journeyman mariner who's learned over time to navigate the shoals but still gets a gentle reminder from the old ship's captain.

Learning to Dance (a.k.a. Dancing Fool)

A year ago I was dancing with my girlfriend in the living room. I've never felt like much of a dancer, but she was encouraging. I kept thinking that I'd faced tougher things in life - learning to dance couldn't be impossible.

In the Spring there was a short blurb about dancing on a PBS show for kids. The tap dancer stressed that it was all about rhythm and balance. Yeah, I tried to follow along but still felt clunky.

My big break didn't occur until about two months ago. I came across a toddler show like "The Wiggles" on which they were teaching two year olds to dance - just "shake your body" they said. Aha, this was more my speed! I still felt clunky, but these characters stressed the idea of simply being "loose".

Over the weeks and months I'd occasionally tune into a music station on the T.V. and force some kind of dancing out. I had always thought that if I moved my knees then the rest of my body would follow, but somewhere in loosening up, my hips started to move. Right side up, left side up. Hey - my knees followed my hips way better than my hips ever followed my knees! I kept my feet on the floor, kept within my zone of balance and just swayed my hips to the music.

In mid-December Julia, Yani and I went to a Greek Holiday celebration. Greek dancing seems to be either the whole group moving together hand-in-hand, or the group focusing on one individual who dances in the center. A couple of times Julia and I (and twice Yani) got up to join in the group dancing. It seemed somehow safer to hop in with a friend. Then as we sat at the table again I kept thinking it was time for me to just get up on my own. This thought held strong through about three songs until finally I spotted where I wanted to join in, and as the group circled around, I stood up and joined in.

A few weeks ago I found the same looseness in my shoulders. They can move with my hips, or they can lead. I sense that maybe I've got the same groove for every song, but it doesn’t really matter. It feels pretty good to just move with the rhythm.

So it was that I found myself in the kitchen preparing to cook a roast this afternoon. During a break in the action John Cougar Mellencamp came on the music channel with "Hurts So Good". My hips start swaying, my feet start moving. I make my way to the living room in time for Level 42 singing "Something about you". This feels great!

I find I'm no longer focused much on the mechanics - what's supposed to move where. These days I can simply flow in a comfort zone, or I can explore new areas. My feet are loosening up from the floor. My arms, well they're still spastic but I don't seem to care so much anymore. When my body is moving I'm beyond thinking about how I'm learning and I'm just experiencing it.

I knew I couldn't come through the past couple of years without changing, but the new experiences are so vastly beyond prior knowledge that there was no way for me to imagine how I'd be different.

In some ways it feels like the first astronaut to be launched into hyperspace by setting off on a trajectory near a black hole. The ship accelerates as it approaches the black hole, and time slows to a crawl. Then the ship exits the other side into an unknown world at unrelenting speeds, eventually slowing and coming to rest in a new unknown place, in a new unknown time.

Life doesn’t seem to be moving so fast anymore, more often things seems to be moving at a rhythm and speed I'm comfortable with. I've come to identify changes here and there that I know are a result of the path I've been on. I know I'm emerging with increased strengths, new capabilities - I'm finding characteristics that I never would have gained so quickly without having experienced loss.

I can't change the past, but I can claim ownership of any personal gains achieved. If they happen to be a result of tragedy so be it. Eventually there's got to be a way to put a positive spin on this experience.