Off balance

It seems like I have three states these days. One I think of as the distracted state. I'm busy doing things. I'm focused on doing a project or spending time with folks. In this state I forget the sadness. It seems like life is somehow normal. I’m engrossed with whatever is going on. I'm looking forward to plans for tomorrow or next week.

Then there is the sad state. Too much time alone and my thoughts drift back to just a year ago and how things weren't going so well. It starts with what seems a random thought here or there, and then a few minutes later my mind is focused on the subject. It goes back over details, remembers images, thinks about the goodbyes.

Then there is the uncomfortable state. In this one I'm thinking about what is happening. I consider how I can get caught up in thinking about things that happened in the past. I think about how nice is to enjoy moments or days when I can have a sense of being involved in things again. Although this third state feels the most uncomfortable, it also seems to be the most real state to be in.

I wonder when people go through something like this, how many try to force themselves to stay in one of these states? I hear about people who move on quickly to forge new relationships and who eventually run into relationship issues. I've met people who seem to have an attachment to the sadness and don't seem to want to be happy ever again. Maybe we all experience the different states, but in varying degrees. I try not to worry if any one is better than another. I guess by letting each of them have their place I indulge myself.

Even though I feel off balance sometimes, I trust that these forces balance one another.