The physics of grieving and rebuilding at six months

When I was in High School, physics was concerned with the atom which was made up of three elementary particles (protons, neutrons and electrons) which were either positively charged, negatively charged, or neutral. Since then physicists have expanded on the concepts so that now they see each of these entities as made up of multiple smaller particles named quarks. Instead of simply being positive or negative, quarks come in six named "flavors" - up, down, charm, strange, top and bottom. What the heck are they talking about? Does gravity still exist in this environment?

Anyway I feel like my understanding of grieving and rebuilding has changed in much the same way over the past six months. Initially I'd heard there would be these "phases" and it seemed like the phases would take certain amounts of time - a little less for some people, a little more for others. Thankfully there was one consistent qualifier - "everyone's grieving experience is different". That's a "get out of jail free" card which gave me permission to not worry about the path I would take!

In March, one person had initially described grieving as a process of ups and downs. He used his hand to illustrate a few inches upward, an inch downward, a few inches higher, then an inch downward - and so on with a positive, upward trend. Somehow I feel my experience was more like a roller coaster ride. There was the long slow process of climbing to the top of the first hill (last Winter), a dramatic drop off a precipice (February), and then progressively smaller ups and downs as the train heads toward its destination (Spring). Unlike a regular roller coaster this one doesn’t seem to go back to the station where we boarded - it passes through unfamiliar territory and ends somewhere else. The only constant is that as we're pulling into the new station I'm still me, but I'm in a new place.

The other odd thing is that the phases (grieving and rebuilding) don't seem to be distinct - instead they seem to overlap. I first started getting out and meeting people at the end of May. By June I was making new friends and meeting folks to do activities (biking, dinner, movies). Each step outward has been accompanied by a feeling of being a little more comfortable, a little more settled. I think I did find it a little confusing for awhile - how could grieving and rebuilding be happening at the same time? Isn't there supposed to be some culmination of events when I finally say "hey, I'm ready to move on now", then rebuilding starts. Nowadays I don't think that's how it works - but for me it's been a good thing. It seems like each time I take a new step forward, it also helps me understand my past and present a little more clearly.

As with everything else in life, none of this happens in a vacuum. I continue to find myself surrounded by positive, energetic folks who are part of the journey! I can't change the past, but like Michael J. Fox ("Lucky Man"), I do feel like I also couldn't have gotten to this new place without the experiences which have shaped me.