It's all inside

Somewhere on the ride that day came the recognition that these issues really are not just inside of me but are part of me. I don't know why I felt like this was a new perspective. Maybe it felt like I was taking ownership of them? Maybe accepting them? I've always been OK with the grieving feeling, but somehow I was now starting to feel like I owned it, rather than vice versa.

Every week it seems to change slightly. Originally it felt like a tightness that started in my face and went down into my gut (well, originally I guess it felt like weakness in my entire body). Over time the feeling evolved so it didn't feel like it went as far into my gut. Then it only went as far as my chest. These days it feels like it affects just my face and throat. That's what still makes it hard to talk sometimes.

In June I had been biking alone near home when I experienced some grieving feelings. I began riding faster and faster - as if I could reach a speed where the feelings would finally become loosened and they would fly off of me.

On today's ride I had the sense that these feelings which ooze out once in a while from my insides aren't invaders, they're simply part of me.