Let it on out

So here I was on this trip thinking I'd get a break from the grieving process. Like I could leave it at home and be an anonymous person, a blank slate to strangers and to biking buddies. Only today was the anniversary of Robin's surgery (could it really be a year ago?) I could feel emotions start coming up somewhere down the road. Luckily I know enough to talk about it when it starts. I paired off, riding next to Jim, and told him some of the story of that day.

A year ago Robin got prepped for surgery and I got a number to watch for on a television screen. By watching the number I could see her status change from prep, to surgery, and then after an impossibly long time, change to recovery. I finally got the call to see the doctor in a small sitting room off of the waiting room. He explained that they'd started with endoscopic surgery (going through her nose) but they couldn't get all the way into the sinus because of the blockages. They escalated to making an incision in her upper right gumline (inside of her mouth) which opened up access to the entire maxillary sinus. They sent several samples to the lab. Lot's of necrotic (dead) tissue and samples that were some form of cancer. He had cleaned out her sinus, but could see where the disease had escaped and infiltrated her gums. Dealing with this was going to require major surgery.

I recall being rather unaffected by the diagnosis itself, afterall Robin had self-diagnosed herself six weeks prior - what was the surprise? For the first time we had confirmed it was cancer and we could move forward. I focused on quesitons about "what were the next steps" to identify the specific type of sinonasal cancer and what we would do after that. The surgeon scheduled a follow-up appointment for us at his office the following Wednesday.

I went outside where there was a light drizzle and I called my Dad on the phone. It took a few minutes to be able to speak clearly. No matter what we had suspected before things had finally become scary. This is the day the crying started. Oh boy - a year ago! You'd think the tears would have run out by now!

They finally called me to go see Robin after she had woken up. The doctor had already talked to her. There wasn't anything much to say when I got to the bedside. Just acknowledging that we'd each spoken to the doctor, then hugs and crying. Time to get her out of bed and head home.