The missing words, how do we talk about death?
I recall a news story once that described past United States Presidents in terms of the 'extent of their vocabulary'. For instance, such-and-such a President had a vocabulary of 10,000 words while another President had a vocabulary of 4,500 words. I have no idea how the news media (or I guess some scholar) would estimate the extent of a person's vocabulary. I suppose they have some methodology for taking the contents of a few interviews and then extrapolating a "statistically significant" number.
Anyway, it has been odd to observe that so many of us either do not have command of the vocabulary related to death and dying, or maybe more accurately we don't exercise the words enough to have them flow easily off our tongues - who knows, maybe it becomes more natural as we age!.
One example was a voicemail from a friend who was helping us to conclude some business details. The caller described the status of the work he had accomplished and then he wrapped up the message with a common phrase such as "hope you're all doing well". In a self-conscious moment he paused and then tried to rephrase what he had said. After a few attempts he simply finished by saying something like "he would talk to us soon". I could only have empathy for the caller, having found myself in similar situations while talking to cancer patients in New York City - patients who had already faced the change from planning to "cure" their cancer to "managing" their metastatic disease.
A similar situation occurred last week when I updated someone (who is not aware of the blog) about our Journey. As we parted he said "I hope Robin gets better soon". My heart went out to this guy. I'm sure he understood where we're at, and I'm sure he probably had a moment of confusion after he uttered the words. I felt a momentary confusion myself wondering if I left out some critical item. I knew that I had described our situation in detail so I let the conversation conclude rather than make some awkward (or embarrassing) attempt to rehash the details.
Maybe in the end it's not so much that we do not have words in our arsenal but by avoiding the words we express our hopes and dreams rather than confront what reality appears to offer.
posted by Building_in_NY @ 8:54 PM
5 Comments:
Greg and Robin, I want to tell you how impressed I am with both of you. You are handling this devastating illness/disease with such a great attitude and sense of humor.
I first met Mike and June when they moved to Fresno, California. I taught Jonelle at our church's Christian school. We now live in Arkansas. Greg, I believe you should write a book, you have a wonderful way of expressing feelings and such. You sound like a wonderful husband and you and Robin seem to have a fantastic relationship.
Sincerely, Carolyn Brooks
Dear Robin and Greg - I completely understand and many people do not have the strength, courage, understanding or gift you both have. What you have now is a celebration of life, so to speak. I admire you both so much and your 'humor' has eased my emotional pain with what you both are going through. I agree that you, Greg, should write a book. You have a very poetic nature with words. As always, you are both in my thoughts and prayers.
XXOO
Donna Pivero
I was reading your clever introduction and I thought Greg has a talent we never knew about until Robin got sick and that is writing!
Your last statement about people trying to express hope and dreams is true.. most can not deal with death and have been sheltered from it in their family and society so they freeze and do not know what to say.
I remember a person new to the US telling me I do not understand people always asking" hey how are you doing? " as they ran away at break neck speed. The person new to the US said how can I have time to answer?
I explained it was a casual greeting and he said--so they ignore the power of words for effeciency.. an insightful guy
long story short, most do not know what to say so they say something a liitle awkward...I also saw that it may be those same people deeply effected by the event and thinking and praying for you most often.. you never know..we do not express ourselves...
Julia
Today's posts really resonated with me, and I wanted to offer a perspective that helped me enormously during my own health challenges. It's possible to hope and pray for someone's recovery, still recognizing that a full *physical* healing may not be part of that recovery. It is possible to heal, to settle into a sense of peace about the future, to "complete your business here," in a way... even if the cancer is never eradicated.
When I think of you two and your families, I imagine your highest and best good coming forth into the world, through whatever channel it can find. You've both been the conduit for so much good in the world, and I know that it will be returned to you... perhaps in an unexpected way, but with grace nonetheless. Peace and blessings.
Oh the number of times I've opened my mouth and out came meaningless words in a desperate attempt to console the unconsolable. If only I could reach out and grab those words and put them back from whence they came. But, once spoken, and heard, it is too late.
I've learned...to think...before I speak. And, I've learned that sometimes there are no correct words to console or make "it" better. Love, whether by presence, a hug, a kiss, a touch, will make life a little bit better. No doubt, there's plenty of love around Robin right now. No doubt, she'll be loved through this life and into the next. No doubt, many more will offer up meaningless words to try to express the love they want to give you. Sending good thoughts and prayers for each of you.
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