Stabilization

I remember a past life of mine in which there was continuity. A rhythm to the days, months and years. Even then I wasn't sure what my purpose was in life, but I was content to wake up every day and do it again. Now it seems naïve in many ways. A life lived with the underlying idea that things can't get screwed up too badly. Situations changed and improved but rarely did things go wrong. Mostly things just kept getting better.

Like the movie the matrix I feel like I now live at a different level of awareness - snapped out of soma-like dreams. I guess maybe in my earlier life things weren't really so simplistic - there were stages of growth and times of change, but changes occurred relatively slowly. But now I find I'm even more in the moment, able to think more clearly about what I'm doing and why.

The last fourteen months I've felt off balance much of the time. The one time I felt like I had it most together was at the end of the bike vacation last summer. I guess at that point I had started to feel physically reconnected to my body. Kind of like a gyroscope spinning up and stabilizing. This past Winter I felt off balance again but with the arrival of Spring I feel like I'm getting emotional underpinnings - again feeling like I'm going through another process of stabilization.

In that earlier lifetime I recall the end goal was to grow old with a partner, but there was never any concern that growing old also meant moving toward the end stage, moving closer to the last milestone of our lives, our own deaths.