Dating

As I sit at the computer, gazing out the window, I've got a view of the waning moon which is once again tracking the passing of a month. I've been looking for the constellation Orion but I haven't seen it yet this year (I probably haven't been looking at the correct time of night). I can see the neighbor's bushes adorned with a string of "Christmas style" lights - yet each bulb is illuminating a three-inch diameter, bright orange, plastic pumpkin.

Sorting through my thoughts seems to take more effort these days and my mind wanders more easily. As my sphere of experience expands, my thoughts and emotions seem increasingly complex (and rich). It was one thing for me to be working out issues on my own, to be thinking about my place in the world, to be experimenting socially. Processing thoughts and developing social skills could be done serially in the "baby step" style. It's been quite a different experience to be dating and to be spending time with someone one-on-one.

I really didn't know what to expect when I first starting dating. I certainly thought I was grounded enough that things would go smoothly. Quite the contrary, I initially acted much more like a bumbling schoolboy. Early on, I sensed a feeling of self-centeredness and of having expectations for how a relationship could/would develop (what could put more of a damper on things?) But there can be a vast gulf between feeling self-aware and being ready to change.

I guess I still felt defined by where I'd ended up: I was the guy who was a "widower", who was now dating. Probably in some ways I wasn't ready to be in a relationship - maybe my initial missteps were nature's way of protecting me and the women I was meeting. I actually felt that I had made progress when I wondered if "dating was worth the effort" and I started to think about what I was looking for. There was a palpable difference when I let go of my expectations and let things flow. I could just enjoy the date I was on with a person without worrying about "the next date" with that person. I also seemed to have let go of the self-imposed "widower" label and just began to think of myself as an "available" guy.

Whether there was a way to quantify "if I was ready" to date didn't matter so much as my intuition which told me that it felt OK.