Rebuilding at eight months

In the comedy film "What about Bob?" (with Bill Murray and Richard Dreyfuss) a psychiatrist writes a book called Baby Steps in which he urges patients to learn by breaking down their issues into smaller surmountable challenges. Instead of trying to solve everything in their lives all at once they're taught to take small incremental steps.

Even though in the beginning I felt like a wreck, I think baby steps helped keep me moving along (and they still do). The first week after Robin died I spent a lot of time in bed, or out front shoveling snow out of the street. The next few weeks I spent a lot of time on the beach in Florida reading books on grieving, e.g. "Tao of Loss and Grief". At the time I couldn't imagine the idea of writing on the blog again. I recall looking at the seagulls, wondering what their lifespan was, wondering what their purpose was, wondering why they persisted, wondering when these particular birds would meet their fate. There was life and death on display everywhere on the beach. I wrote daily in a journal. I hope to one day capture that on the blog.

Lately I've tried looking back in an attempt to categorize some of the phases I've been through. I guess they roughly break down into something like this:

-Need time alone. Painful memories insinuate themselves at will. no ability to concentrate. Sleep a lot. Watch TV a lot. Meds help me fall asleep at night, but the quality of sleep stinks.

-Start getting myself out of the house. Biking. Cutting the grass. Weeding the garden.

-Start doing yoga DVD in the morning/evening (20 minutes long). Start taking care of myself. I become well known at all the local take out restaurants. Somewhere in here I start blogging again.

-Look for opportunities to meet new friends. Socialize, some with old friends, some with new. Old friendships grow stronger. Start working out a little bit. Getting in shape - the best I've been in ten years. The combination of inconsistent eating and lots of biking drives my weight down - I've lost a total of 25lbs in one year.

-Starting to have fun again. Getting lost in activities. Getting back my smile, laugh, balance. Complete the challenging bike vacation over the summer. The lawn's not getting cut regularly anymore.

-Making time for myself. Making time to do chores. The grass gets cut a little more regularly, but not much. Making time to spend with friends.

-Start seeking out one-on-one experiences, dating. Blog communications blackout when it comes to dating information.

-Meet several folks. Eventually start wondering if dating is worth the effort. Blogging is slow.

-Meet someone new. Take things *very* slowly. Fourth date = first kiss. Aside from our slow pace, we agree that dating rules are a fictional construct and we agree to ignore them (e.g. don't call a woman for three days after a date). Dating for two months now. Still Blog blackout on the topic. Until a few days ago she didn't know about the blog herself. Eat out a lot, bike less with the cool weather - gain 10lbs.

-Friends still see me around and we still get together to do things. I feel balance in my life. Well, maybe friends see me around a *little* less!