Completely worth it

I've been in a new relationship for four and a half months now. It's been interesting for me to note new milestones related to Robin that I hadn't anticipated. In May and June I started to do some cleaning up around the house and rearranging things to my liking. I went through stacks of photos, partly to clean up and I guess partly for a trip down memory lane.

Nowadays I note new types of milestones. As this new relationship incrementally evolves the two of us talk in more detail about ourselves, about our history, about our goals. We share and give more openly and easily with each other. Over time we seem to smile and laugh more deeply.

Occasionally I feel a slight tug in the opposite direction. Occasionally I feel a slight fear. Like a child who's recently been burned by the stovetop I feel a slight hesitation. I wonder what I'm getting myself into. At this point in my life I'm quite adept at sensing feelings and questioning them. This sense of fear is pretty easy to understand - the fear of future loss. I take a moment to talk to myself and I say "everything is going to work out just fine". Just like Robin and I used to say before she got sick, and likewise after she got sick.

I consider what my brain is trying to protect itself from. Then I consider all the joy two people can share. Given the risk and reward I'm comfortable in my assessment that being in a relationship is completely worth it.

Off with the training wheels!

I recently had this feeling of having been swept back up into the business of living. The first couple of years after Robin died it seemed like I was learning about myself, learning about others, and often contemplating what we are all doing here. Everything seemed to involve a lot of thinking and pondering.

Then the other day I woke up and a couple months had gone by in which I'd been completely absorbed in work, in play and in a relationship. It's not that I've forgotten the lessons of the last few years, or forgotten about my time and life with Robin, or forgotten about the heartache of loss and grief. If anything all these things have just been incorporated into the tapestry of my life and they have made it distinctly richer.

I feel like the little kid who has been riding with training wheels all summer. Every few weeks the wheels are adjusted a little higher off the ground. Then one day the wheels come off and after a few attempts - viola - I'm riding without having to think about it!