Teary eyed sometimes

Over the past seven months I have had periods when stress built up and I'd start feeling like crying. Usually there was some thought in my head that just had to get out. Usually it would start to come out while I was alone - driving the car or shopping at the store. Eventually I'd speak to someone about it and the feeling would pass.

The last few days I've been having the feeling again, but there didn’t seem to be any one thought that has been pestering me.

I'm starting to think it's because there don't seem to be any more major tasks for me to set out to accomplish. There's no research to do, no appointments to be made. We've approached everything full-bore for so long it seems hard to let go and relax.

Even entering hospice seemed like it would bring a change to the endless list of things to do, but the first few days Robin was home I spent time creating her "patient chart" in a three ring binder with tabs for the various topics. There's a section for tracking daily meds, a section to chart activities of daily living (like taking a shower, brushing her teeth, cleaning around her stomach tube, etc.). There's a tabbed section that contains an information page for each drug she takes. There's a tab section for general notes.

I remember showing the binder to each person who came in the house. Even as I would show it to folks I would wonder to myself, why am I showing this to a visitor? It felt odd to be showing how organized we were.

Tonight when we got Robin ready for bed, I slowed down and took extra time. As she sat on the edge of the bed we hugged. It got to be so long I finally got down on my knees and let her rest her head on my shoulder. No need to hurry. Don't know how many more opportunities there will be to just sit there and just hug, so might as well make it last. These days I never leave the house (or re-enter it) without stopping by the couch to kiss her and tell her I love her.

The last thing we did was clean her stomach tube while she lay in bed. She was getting pretty sleepy and could hardly keep her eyes open so she let me do the work. As I cleaned and rinsed and dried the area around her tube I talked out loud, describing what I was doing. She didn't really need to know, but it felt nice to be talking. As we finished up I thanked her for letting me take care of her.